Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
?
OK, this is more of a joke only because it's real:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/wor...ing-clinically-depressed-poodle.html?ITO=1490
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/wor...ing-clinically-depressed-poodle.html?ITO=1490
La Repubblica claims they heard Mourinho blast his players inside the changing rooms following the 3-1 thrashing away to Atalanta on Sunday. The Italian paper has released a transcript of of what the former Chelsea coach told his players.
"You won a Scudetto in the court, the second because there was no competition and the third was won at the last minute. You are all a pile of s**t," Mourinho is quoted as saying by La Repubblica
"You won a Scudetto in the court, the second because there was no competition and the third was won at the last minute. You are all a pile of s**t," Mourinho is quoted as saying by La Repubblica
As much as I am somewhat doing a disservice to my gender some of these I just had to laugh at:
Women think they already know everything, but wait.....training courses are now available for women on the following subjects
1 Silence, the Final Frontier: where no woman has gone before
2 The Undiscovered Side of Banking: making deposits
3 Parties: Going without new outfits
4 Man Management: Minor Household Chores can wait until after the game
5 Bathroom Etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too
6 Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7 Communication Skills I: tears - The last Resort, not the first
8 Communication Skills II: Thinking before speaking
9 Communication Skills III: Getting want you want without nagging
10 Driving a car Safely: A skill you CAN acquire
11 Telephone Skills: How to hang up
12 Introduction to Parking
13 Advanced Parking: Backing into a space
14 Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15 Cooking I: Bring Back bacon, Eggs and Butter
16 Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are not for human consumption
17 Cooking III: How not to inflict your diets on other people
18 Compliments: Accepting them gracefully
19 PMS: your problem...not his
20 Dancing: Why men Dont like to
21 Classic Footwear: wearing shoes you already have worn
Women think they already know everything, but wait.....training courses are now available for women on the following subjects
1 Silence, the Final Frontier: where no woman has gone before
2 The Undiscovered Side of Banking: making deposits
3 Parties: Going without new outfits
4 Man Management: Minor Household Chores can wait until after the game
5 Bathroom Etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too
6 Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7 Communication Skills I: tears - The last Resort, not the first
8 Communication Skills II: Thinking before speaking
9 Communication Skills III: Getting want you want without nagging
10 Driving a car Safely: A skill you CAN acquire
11 Telephone Skills: How to hang up
12 Introduction to Parking
13 Advanced Parking: Backing into a space
14 Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15 Cooking I: Bring Back bacon, Eggs and Butter
16 Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are not for human consumption
17 Cooking III: How not to inflict your diets on other people
18 Compliments: Accepting them gracefully
19 PMS: your problem...not his
20 Dancing: Why men Dont like to
21 Classic Footwear: wearing shoes you already have worn
Golden wedding
==============
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We
visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my WIFE'S mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once
more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My
wife took a pistol from her pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she
looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Get in line
===========
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she no-
ticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby ce-
metery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary wo-
man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walk-
ing single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approach-
ed the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your
loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never
seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
women. "Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
==============
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We
visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my WIFE'S mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once
more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My
wife took a pistol from her pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she
looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Get in line
===========
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she no-
ticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby ce-
metery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary wo-
man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walk-
ing single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approach-
ed the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your
loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never
seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
women. "Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Still a good one:
A World wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
A World wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
Man rules
=========
Women, you must understand the "Man rules" :- Please see below for
details.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! These are what we
MEN want to say to all WOMEN!
Remember it. And don't moan. If you're a man pass to your partner
for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere
prominent like on the fridge!
* Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
bitching about you leaving it down.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet again!
* Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
* Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
* Crying is blackmail.
* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
* We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
* Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
* Check your oil! Please.
* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
* If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We re-
fuse to answer.
* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
* Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
* ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what
mauve is.
* If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-
reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.
* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor
bikes.
* You have enough clothes.
* You have too many shoes.
* No you really do have too many shoes.
* It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
* Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
* I'm IN shape. ROUND is a shape.
=========
Women, you must understand the "Man rules" :- Please see below for
details.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! These are what we
MEN want to say to all WOMEN!
Remember it. And don't moan. If you're a man pass to your partner
for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere
prominent like on the fridge!
* Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
bitching about you leaving it down.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet again!
* Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
* Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
* Crying is blackmail.
* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
* We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
* Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
* Check your oil! Please.
* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
* If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We re-
fuse to answer.
* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
* Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
* ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what
mauve is.
* If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-
reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.
* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor
bikes.
* You have enough clothes.
* You have too many shoes.
* No you really do have too many shoes.
* It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
* Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
* I'm IN shape. ROUND is a shape.
Amusing actions taken by one who's totally over the edge.............
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, eg. "Rock Hard Kim."
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner: "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, eg. "Rock Hard Kim."
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner: "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Nuggets of brilliance
=====================
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live for-
ever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
-- Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack-
ass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and
the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way
or another."
-- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, US President
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
=====================
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live for-
ever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
-- Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack-
ass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and
the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way
or another."
-- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, US President
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities.
Now after "original and proprietary" research we are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent...................187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories explaining why you got out of bed
Immediately................ 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years old..........36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
Now after "original and proprietary" research we are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent...................187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories explaining why you got out of bed
Immediately................ 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years old..........36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories