Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A father and a son took their two cows, a black one and a white one, in the nearby village so a bull will impregnate them. When they arrived, the father went to the bar and he left his son to watch the cows and to make sure that the bull does the job.
After half an hour the son comes running in the bar all excited.
- "Daddy, daddy, if you could only see how the bull fucked the white cow"
The father takes the boy by the ear out of the bar and he starts yelling at him:
- " Boy, are you crazy? How can you say something like that in front of all those people ? You don't say "the bull fucked the cow" but you say "the bull surprised the cow". Now get your ass back to the barn and watch out what you'll say the next time"
After a while the son comes running in again and he says:
- " Daddy, daddy, if you could only see how the bull surprised the black cow"
The father, proud of his son, asks the boy:
- " How did he do it, my son? "
And the boy replies:
- "He fucked the white cow again"
After half an hour the son comes running in the bar all excited.
- "Daddy, daddy, if you could only see how the bull fucked the white cow"
The father takes the boy by the ear out of the bar and he starts yelling at him:
- " Boy, are you crazy? How can you say something like that in front of all those people ? You don't say "the bull fucked the cow" but you say "the bull surprised the cow". Now get your ass back to the barn and watch out what you'll say the next time"
After a while the son comes running in again and he says:
- " Daddy, daddy, if you could only see how the bull surprised the black cow"
The father, proud of his son, asks the boy:
- " How did he do it, my son? "
And the boy replies:
- "He fucked the white cow again"
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
Big breaths,” I instructed. Yes, they used to be,” remorsefully replied the patient.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?”
I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bed-ridden?”
After a look of complete confusion she answered … Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Big breaths,” I instructed. Yes, they used to be,” remorsefully replied the patient.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?”
I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bed-ridden?”
After a look of complete confusion she answered … Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Idiot sighting 1
================
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told
us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'
enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that
we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
Idiot sighting 2
================
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window, and
I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed
her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar
bill back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said,
"We're sorry, but we cannot do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
Idiot sighting 3
================
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
Idiot sighting 4
================
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
Idiot sighting 5
================
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport em-
ployee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, AL.
Idiot sighting 6
================
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker
of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.
Idiot sighting 7
================
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker (She was
leaving the company due to 'downsizing') our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
Idiot sighting 8
================
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself, and for the sake of her life couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
Idiot sighting 9
================
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it
was unlocked.
"Hey", I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.
================
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told
us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'
enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that
we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
Idiot sighting 2
================
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window, and
I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed
her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar
bill back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said,
"We're sorry, but we cannot do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
Idiot sighting 3
================
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
Idiot sighting 4
================
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City
Idiot sighting 5
================
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport em-
ployee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, AL.
Idiot sighting 6
================
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker
of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.
Idiot sighting 7
================
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker (She was
leaving the company due to 'downsizing') our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
Idiot sighting 8
================
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself, and for the sake of her life couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
Idiot sighting 9
================
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it
was unlocked.
"Hey", I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.
Idiot sighting 5
================
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport em-
ployee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, AL.
Thats hilarious...im from Birmingham
================
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport em-
ployee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, AL.
Thats hilarious...im from Birmingham
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted…
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted…
From Cradle to Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I’m not saying you 'did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'did not’ take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I’m not saying that you 'do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you 'do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I’m not saying you 'did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'did not’ take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I’m not saying that you 'do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you 'do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother.
Hello... is anyone there?
=========================
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the coun-
ter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash re-
gister and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
"divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan
it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much
this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that
today.
"She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no
clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shop-
ping on the internet and they kept asking for a credit card num-
ber, so she was using the ATM "thing".
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they,( pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a bat-
tery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost
out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper", the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of pa-
per, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then
went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central of-
fice of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks
who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room. The kid was eating ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should
be fine.
The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer..."
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
=========================
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the coun-
ter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash re-
gister and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
"divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan
it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much
this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that
today.
"She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no
clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shop-
ping on the internet and they kept asking for a credit card num-
ber, so she was using the ATM "thing".
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they,( pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a bat-
tery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost
out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper", the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of pa-
per, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then
went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central of-
fice of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks
who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room. The kid was eating ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should
be fine.
The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer..."
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!"
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken fried steak.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
These Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken fried steak.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.