Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (12 Viewers)

[chester]

Methods from human resources
============================
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.

4. Then analyze the situation.

5. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

6. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put
them in Engineering.

8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put
them in Planning.

9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.

10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Infor-
mation Technology.

12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

13. If they say they have tried different combinations and they
are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them
in Sales.

14. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

15. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.

16. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has
been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

17. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in
such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put
them in Congress.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Ahmed]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit !'

 

[cyril]

This thread should be closed, many of us over here (if not all), support juve and inter just as passionately. Its getting out of line people, we have feelings.

 

[Red]

Indeed.

I feel sick whenever someone says anything remotely anti...

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

This thread should be closed, many of us over here (if not all), support juve and inter just as passionately. Its getting out of line people, we have feelings.

just rename the thread title. that's more than enough!

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"



man, i feel like doing this at work almost everyday!!!

 

[chester]

Men are like
============
MEN ARE LIKE...Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time,
you can walk all over them for years.

MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest.

MEN ARE LIKE...Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure
why.

MEN ARE LIKE...Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head
right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE...Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep
you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE...Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE...Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough
memory.

MEN ARE LIKE...Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE...Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's
about it.

MEN ARE LIKE...Curling Irons, they're always hot and they're al-
ways in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE...Cement, after getting laid they take along time to
get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE...Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE...High Heels, they're easy to walk on once you get
the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE...Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and
are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE...Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that
bright.

MEN ARE LIKE...Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emo-
tion.

MEN ARE LIKE...Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and
the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE...Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little
while.

MEN ARE LIKE...Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on
the table.

MEN ARE LIKE...Snow Storms, you never know when they're coming,
how many inches youll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE...Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unrelia-
ble.

MEN ARE LIKE...Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose inte-
rest.

MEN ARE LIKE...Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they
are.

MEN ARE LIKE...Newborn Babies, they're cute at first, but you get
tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE...Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see
right thru them.

MEN ARE LIKE...Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

MEN ARE LIKE...Laxatives, they irritate the sh*t out of you.

------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy's Law of Technology
==========================
Murphy's Technology Law #1
-- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2
-- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3
-- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not
understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4
-- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civili-
zation.

Murphy's Technology Law #5
-- All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #6
-- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #7
-- All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #8
-- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are
lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #9
-- The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #10
-- A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspec-
tion.

Murphy's Technology Law #11
-- New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #12
-- Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #13
-- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men
working 20 years make.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother-In-Law
=============

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Sweetheart,
it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She
would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hatred
======
Two accountants boarded a flight out of Calgary. One sat in the
window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-
off, an engineer got on and took the aisle seat next to the two
accountants.

The engineer kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in, when the accountant in the window seat said, "I
think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the engineer, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the accountants picked up the engineer's
shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other ac-
countant said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the engineer obligingly went to fetch it and while he was
gone, the other accountant picked up the other shoe and spat in
it. The engineer returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight.

As the plane was landing, the engineer slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our
groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?"

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

 

[The Curr]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

[chester]

Marriage humor
==============
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to for-
get it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

 

[chester]

Lost
====
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He
watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and fol-
lowed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled
over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver
asked.
"Nope."

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is
from here?"
"Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very
much, do you?" he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Lonely frog
===========
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
future holds.
His personal psychic advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is delighted with this news, "This is great! Will I meet
her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

 

[Martin]

Driving a German car. Wrongly.

http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=B3O_S0FMuYU

 

[icemaη]

From the BBC website...
"David Blaine was gutted to hear that his record of 48 days in the box doing absolutely nothing has been broken by Darren Bent."

 

[Ahmed]

that's a good one...and they bought him for what, 17 mil. pounds or something?

 

[Red]

And he's meant to be on about £80,000 a week...

 

[The Curr]

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

 

[The Curr]

I met this really kinky girl last night. 'Humiliate me,' she said ... So I bought her a Tottenham shirt

Haringey council has blocked Tottenham's plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: 'We don't mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much.'

'I was playing Scrabble and had enough letters to make 'Tottenham Hotspur Football Club'. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points.'

Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.

A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. 'What about your parents?' asks the social worker. 'No, they beat me,' says the boy. 'What about your grandparents?' says the social worker. 'No, they beat me even harder!' says the boy. 'Well ... where do you want to stay then?' replies the social worker. 'Tottenham,' says the boy. 'They don't beat anyone.

What do a toothpick and Tottenham have in common? They both have two points

Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. 'It ought to,' replies the groundsman. 'We put 70 million quid's worth of manure on it every week.'

I just went down to the newsagents and bought Tottenham Hotspur magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in.

What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win? Turns off the Xbox

After leaving San Siro, Jose Mourinho was asked if he was going to help Spurs get out of their slump. He turned around and said, 'No way, I ain't that special'.

Apparently the entire Tottenham squad have been busy honing their skills playing the computer game Championship Manager. Sadly it seems Juande misunderstood and thinks they want to play for a Championship manager.

Contrary to what you may think, Spurs are the strongest team in the league at the moment. Sure, aren't they holding everyone else up?

What do the Premier League and a cowboy have in common? They both have spurs at their feet.

A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.

What would an improved version of Spurs be called? Newcastle United.

Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points.

Is it just me or are Spurs the team to beat this season? Everyone's at it.

A man is sitting in a pub with his jack russell dog one Sunday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner: 'Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1,' reads the announcer. Suddenly the jack russell jumps up and shouts out, 'Oh, no, not again.' The shocked landlord says, 'That's amazing. Why did he say that when it was announced that Tottenham lost?' 'Because he's a Spurs supporter,' the dog's owner replies. The landlord then asks what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replies, 'I don't know. I've only had him six months.'

When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was. On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.

All trains through White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a massive points failure.

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, 'Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10'. The boy says, 'OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?' He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. 'I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball.' Next he gives him a Millwall ball: 'I hear lions, so it's Millwall.' Amazed, the shopkeeper says, 'Get this and you can have it for nothing.' The boy listens and says Spurs. The man asks if he's heard a cockerel. 'No,' says the boy. 'It's going down.'

What's the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.

I was walking home the other evening and saw half the spurs team playing football with a hedgehog. I was going to call the RSPCA but then I realised the hedgehog was 4-0 up.

 

[Ahmed]

juve_curr, this thread is for JOKES, not actual events

 

[chester]

Things you learn at the movies part I
=====================================
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a pas-
sing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba di-
ving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you want without dif-
ficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammuni-
tion - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent
will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or kil-
ler beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or
his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every
few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you
are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.

 

[Martin]