Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (53 Viewers)

[Chxta]

Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Richard Small. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...

Bare Belly shows...

Thighs weakens...

Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[chester]

Breakfast
=========
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early,
went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in
bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Father and his children
=======================
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he
went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I
see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father
of three children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what you think."

 

[Arvin]

whats the difference between a terrorist and a woman?

you can negotiate with the terrorists....

 

[ReBeL]

Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive. "

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive. "

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"

 

[Martin]

There are no Polish coal miners called Ernie and Rich.

 

[ReBeL]

There are no Polish coal miners called Ernie and Rich.

In addition to that, why would two Polish guys talk to each other in English??

 

[chester]

- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After mar-
riage, the "y" becomes silent.

- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In
fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

- The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll
be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the
microwave.

- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done.

- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million
dollars and beat me half to death."

- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for
it."

- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to re-
port it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

- Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

- Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between
the lines.

- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.

- Boring husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on
the wrong finger?"
Bored wife: "Because I married the wrong man!"

- First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're
lucky, mine's still alive."

- Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

- Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

- Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

- Marriage is a three ring circus:
1. engagement ring
2. wedding ring
3. suffering

 

[chester]

Female comebacks
================
HE : I'm a photographer, I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon, I've been looking for a face like
yours!!!

HE : Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE : May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE : Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!

HE : Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE : Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE : Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE : How do you like your eggs in the morning?
SHE: Unfertilized.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : I would go to the end of the world for you.
SHE: But would you stay there?

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

 

[chester]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time ... the reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?)

 

[IL Pinturrichio]

I guess in Colombia Women's moms started participating which made Bolivia add the "no woman and daughter at the same time" law

 

[chester]

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all
aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-
sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who
might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for
her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

------------------------------------------------------------------

It says : "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says : "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press
the "A" key.)

It says : "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting
error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only
to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says : "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into
c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER
find them."

It says : "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says : "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use
the bit below 640K."

It says : "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."

It says : "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says : "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says : "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or
Close."
It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not get-
ting your work back."

 

[chester]

YESTERDAY (Beatles)
===================
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday

------------------------------------------------------------------

IMAGINE (John Lennon)
=====================
Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace

Imagine neverending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money oooh...

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.

 

[The Arif]

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

 

[chester]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
==========================
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't
listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come
home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In
other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."

 

[Geof]

East german joke:

Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"
In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"
The sun is silent.
Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?"
The sun replies: "Kiss my ass. I'm in the West now."

 

[Zé Tahir]

 

[Eddy]

East german joke:

Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"
Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"
The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"
In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"
The sun is silent.
Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?"
The sun replies: "Kiss my ass. I'm in the West now."

...

 

[Geof]

...

what?

 

[Lion]

Good joke

 

[Bjerknes]