Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (42 Viewers)

[chester]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well
taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he
then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall,
curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out
who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are
aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a
nap."
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned
to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the
age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with
him tomorrow?"

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Lion]

 

[chester]

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils
and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that
blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50%
of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too
much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and
would like a third so please send someone round to do some-
thing about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on
top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times
but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back pas-
sage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it any more.

 

[The Curr]

British TV interviewer: What's it like working with Colin, 'cos he is
just so hot in the U.K. right now.

Samuel L Jackson: He's pretty hot in the U.S. too

British TV interviewer: Yea! but he's one of our own!

Samuel L Jackson: Isn't he from Ireland

British TV interviewer: Yeah, but we claim him 'cos Ireland is beside
us.

Samuel L Jackson: You see that's your problem right there. You
British keep claiming people that don't belong to you. We had that problem in America too - it was called slavery.

 

[Lion]

 

[Martin]

Great stuff

 

[The Curr]

Great stuff

I got it in an email. I hope he actually said that.

 

[rvi]

British TV interviewer: What's it like working with Colin, 'cos he is
just so hot in the U.K. right now.

Samuel L Jackson: He's pretty hot in the U.S. too

British TV interviewer: Yea! but he's one of our own!

Samuel L Jackson: Isn't he from Ireland

British TV interviewer: Yeah, but we claim him 'cos Ireland is beside
us.

Samuel L Jackson: You see that's your problem right there. You
British keep claiming people that don't belong to you. We had that problem in America too - it was called slavery.

 

[chester]

#37 "I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off.'
Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not
stupid."
--- Paris Hilton

#36 "What's Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?"
--- Paris Hilton

#35 "The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with some-
one."
--- Michael Jackson

#34 "If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the
ramifications of death are final."
--- Cyndi Lauper

#33 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost an important
part of your life."
--- Brooke Shields

#32 "[I hope] my child will be a good Catholic like me."
--- Madonna

#31 "It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the
other person is not going to allow me to be with other
people."
--- Axl Rose

#30 "I'd rather be dead than singing Satisfaction when I'm forty-
five."
--- Mick Jagger

#29 "It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't
like many people."
--- Bryant Gumbel

#28 "I look at [modeling] as something I'm doing for black people
in general."
--- model Naomi Campbell

#27 "When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man
doesn't look at me, he's probably gay."
--- Kathleen Turner

#26 "When you say I committed adultery, are you stating before the
marriage of 1996 or prior to?"
--- Dallas Cowboys cornerback Deion Sanders

#25 "We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
--- NBA player Jason Kidd

#24 "Listening to a woman is almost as bad as losing to one. There
are only three things that women are better at than men:
cleaning, cooking, and having sex."
--- Charles Barkley

#23 "If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it's Big
Business."
--- Donald Trump

#22 "You know, it really doesn't matter what [the media] write as
long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass."
--- Donald Trump

#21 "He speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual too."
--- Don King

#20 "From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I've
ever seen on a running back."
--- John Madden

#19 "Predictions are difficult, especially about the future."
--- Yogi Berra

#18 "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
--- Joe Theismann

#17 "I don't think anybody should write his autobiography until
after he's dead."
--- Samuel Goldwyn

#16 "I never get bored, because there's always different puzzles,
I'm wearing different clothes, there's different contestants,
there's different prizes."
--- Vanna White

#15 "I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our
fifty-two states."
--- Racquel Welch

#14 "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
--- Britney Spears

#12 "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
--- Christina Aguilera

#11 "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was
deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has
to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
--- Alicia Silverstone

#10 "I've got taste. It's inbred in me."
--- David Hasselhoff

#9 "I cried over beauty, I cried over pain, and the other time I
cried because I felt nothing. I can't help it. I'm just a clich‰
of myself."
--- Keanu Reeves

#8 "I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas
that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes
me."
--- Jessica Simpson

#7 "Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says
chicken of the sea."
--- Jessica Simpson

#6 "I'm sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right now. She's
looking like a rock scientist."
--- Tara Reid

#5 "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man
and a woman."
--- Arnold Schwarzenegger

#4 "I love California. I grew up in Phoenix."
--- Dan Quayle

#3 "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect
Iraq to the war on terror."
--- George W. Bush

#2 "Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with
women all across the country."
--- George W. Bush

#1 "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
--- George W. Bush

 

[Ahmed]

@ the Governator

 

[The Arif]

"I don't think anybody should write his autobiography until
after he's dead."
--- Samuel Goldwyn

 

[chester]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/new...66900/Teenager-finds-baby-bat-in-her-bra.html


Teenager finds baby bat in her bra


A teenager was stunned to find that a baby bat had been curled up inside her bra for five hours - as she was wearing it.

Miss Hawkins said the bat looked 'very snug' inside her bra
Abbie Hawkins, a hotel receptionist, thought her mobile phone was ringing when she felt vibrations coming from her clothes.

But she later discovered the tiny creature tucked away in the padded pocket of her underwear.

As staff and colleagues crowded around, Miss Hawkins, 19, produced the frightened bat, which was the size of her hand.

She said: "Once I realised it was a bat I was shocked, but then I felt quite sorry for it really.

"It looked very snug in there and I thought how mean I was for disturbing it."

Miss Hawkins said she got dressed at 7.30am and arrived for work at the Holiday Inn Norwich North, near Norwich International Airport without noticing anything unusual.

"When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket," she said.

It was not until her lunch break, at midday when she felt a strange movement inside her bra, which had been hanging on her washing line the previous night.

"I plucked up the courage to investigate and I pulled out a little baby bat. I just lost my breath when I saw it and I did not know what it was at first," she said.

The teenager's general manager freed the bat in the hotel garden.

"I keep thinking how could I have not known it was there?" Miss Hawkins said. "I will certainly be checking my bras every morning from now on."

Jaime Eastham, of the Bat Conservation Trust, said they had never heard of a bat being found in a bra before.

But she said the animals roost anywhere that appears dark and safe.

 

[Lion]

Eric called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Eric. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Eric said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, fell down the stairs, went through the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to paint it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, then Eric said, "Swimming pool? Is this 741-0766?"

 

[Kosta]

Two Italian men...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time".

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country...we don`t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin` abouta sexa? I`m justa tellin` my frinda how to spella `Mississippi`."

 

[Lion]

 

[The Curr]

 

[A͎u͎s͎h͎]

I only post ones which I think are really really good...
This ones called: Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast..., he won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened.....?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The fucker had all quarters!'"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

 

[Lion]

 

[Chxta]

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils
and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that
blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50%
of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too
much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and
would like a third so please send someone round to do some-
thing about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on
top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times
but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back pas-
sage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it any more.

O-MY-GOD!

 

[A͎u͎s͎h͎]

That's pretty funny , Welcome back Chx!