Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
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Reservations of an Airline Agent
(After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public)
by Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post
I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.
I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.
In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name as "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after I asked a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"
I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"
Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After I assured her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for he'll always ask: "...Is that round trip?" After quoting the one-way fare the passenger just asked for he'll always, always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was part of the hell Sarge told us about.
But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.
But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
(After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public)
by Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post
I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.
I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.
In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name as "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after I asked a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?"
I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"
Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After I assured her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for he'll always ask: "...Is that round trip?" After quoting the one-way fare the passenger just asked for he'll always, always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was part of the hell Sarge told us about.
But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.
But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
You too ? 
I. Science classification
=========================
If it's green or it wiggles, it's part of Biology.
If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it belongs to Physics.
II. Rules for laboratory workers
================================
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
First draw your curves, then plot the data.
Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.
Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail the same
way.
A record of data is essential. It indicates you have been working.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to blame someone
else.
Always leave room to add an explanation when it doesn't work.
III. Finagle's laws, creed, and motto
=====================================
First Law - If anything can go wrong with an experiment, it will.
Second Law - No matter what result is anticipated, there is always
someone willing to fake it.
Third Law - No matter what occurs, there is always someone who be-
lieves it happened according to his pet theory.
Fourth Law - No matter what the result, there is always someone
eager to misinterpret it.
Creed - Science is truth. Don't be misled by facts.
Motto - Smile; tomorrow it will be worse.
=========================
If it's green or it wiggles, it's part of Biology.
If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it belongs to Physics.
II. Rules for laboratory workers
================================
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
First draw your curves, then plot the data.
Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.
Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail the same
way.
A record of data is essential. It indicates you have been working.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to blame someone
else.
Always leave room to add an explanation when it doesn't work.
III. Finagle's laws, creed, and motto
=====================================
First Law - If anything can go wrong with an experiment, it will.
Second Law - No matter what result is anticipated, there is always
someone willing to fake it.
Third Law - No matter what occurs, there is always someone who be-
lieves it happened according to his pet theory.
Fourth Law - No matter what the result, there is always someone
eager to misinterpret it.
Creed - Science is truth. Don't be misled by facts.
Motto - Smile; tomorrow it will be worse.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
===========================================
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
===========================================
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
===========================================
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
==========================================
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
===========================================
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
============================================
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
==========================================
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
===========================================
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
===========================================
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
===========================================
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
===========================================
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
===========================================
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
===========================================
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
===========================================
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
==========================================
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
===========================================
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
============================================
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
==========================================
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
===========================================
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
===========================================
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
===========================================
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
===========================================
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking."
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets
closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading
a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
knocks at the window.
The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is
she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at
night and nothing is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir..."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch, smiles and says: "She'll be 18
in 20 minutes..."
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets
closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading
a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
knocks at the window.
The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is
she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at
night and nothing is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir..."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch, smiles and says: "She'll be 18
in 20 minutes..."
Banking 101
===========
The exchange below was published in the British humor magazine,
Punch, on April 3, 1957.
Q. What are banks for?
A. To make money.
Q. For the customers?
A. For the banks.
Q. Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A. It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implica-
tion in references to reserves of $249,000,000 or thereabouts.
That is the money that they have made.
Q. Out of the customers?
A. I suppose so.
Q. They also mention assets of $500,000,000 or thereabouts. Have
they made that too?
A. Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.
Q. I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A. Not at all. They lend it to customers.
Q. Then they haven't got it?
A. No.
Q. Then how is it assets?
A. They maintain that it would be if they got it back.
Q. But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A. Yes, usually $500,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called liabi-
lities.
Q. But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A. Because it isn't theirs.
Q. Then why do they have it?
A. It has been lent to them by customers.
Q. You mean customers lend banks money?
A. In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really
lent to the banks.
Q. And what do the banks do with it?
A. Lend it to other customers.
Q. But you said that money they lent to other people was assets?
A. Yes.
Q. Then assets and liabilities must be the same thing?
A. You can't really say that.
Q. But you've just said it. If I put $100 into my account the bank
is liable to have to pay it back, so it's liabilities. But they
go and lend it to someone else, and he is liable to have to pay
it back, so it's assets. It's the same $100, isn't it?
A. Yes. But...
Q. Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't
really any money at all?
A. Theoretically...
Q. Never mind theoretically. And if they haven't any money, where
do they get their reserves of $249,000,000 or thereabouts?
A. I told you. That is the money they have made.
Q. How?
A. Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him inte-
rest.
Q. How much?
A. It depends on the bank rate. Say five and a-half percent.
That's their profit.
Q. Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A. It's the theory of banking practice that...
Q. When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A. You do.
Q. You don't say. How much?
A. It depends on the bank rate. Say half a percent.
Q. Grasping of me, rather?
A. But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out
again.
Q. But of course, I'm going to draw it out again. If I hadn't
wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the gar-
den, couldn't I?
A. They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.
Q. Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a liability. Wouldn't
they be glad if I reduced their liabilities by removing it?
A. No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.
Q. But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A. Certainly.
Q. But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A. Then they'll let you have someone else's money.
Q. But suppose he wants his too... and they've let me have it?
A. You're being purposely obtuse.
Q. I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money at
once?
A. It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.
Q. So what banks bank on is not having to meet their commitments?
A. I wouldn't say that.
Q. Naturally. Well, if there's nothing else you think you can tell
me...?
A. Quite so. Now you can go off and open a banking account.
Q. Just one last question.
A. Of course.
Q. Wouldn't I do better to go off and open up a bank?
===========
The exchange below was published in the British humor magazine,
Punch, on April 3, 1957.
Q. What are banks for?
A. To make money.
Q. For the customers?
A. For the banks.
Q. Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A. It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implica-
tion in references to reserves of $249,000,000 or thereabouts.
That is the money that they have made.
Q. Out of the customers?
A. I suppose so.
Q. They also mention assets of $500,000,000 or thereabouts. Have
they made that too?
A. Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.
Q. I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A. Not at all. They lend it to customers.
Q. Then they haven't got it?
A. No.
Q. Then how is it assets?
A. They maintain that it would be if they got it back.
Q. But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A. Yes, usually $500,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called liabi-
lities.
Q. But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A. Because it isn't theirs.
Q. Then why do they have it?
A. It has been lent to them by customers.
Q. You mean customers lend banks money?
A. In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really
lent to the banks.
Q. And what do the banks do with it?
A. Lend it to other customers.
Q. But you said that money they lent to other people was assets?
A. Yes.
Q. Then assets and liabilities must be the same thing?
A. You can't really say that.
Q. But you've just said it. If I put $100 into my account the bank
is liable to have to pay it back, so it's liabilities. But they
go and lend it to someone else, and he is liable to have to pay
it back, so it's assets. It's the same $100, isn't it?
A. Yes. But...
Q. Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't
really any money at all?
A. Theoretically...
Q. Never mind theoretically. And if they haven't any money, where
do they get their reserves of $249,000,000 or thereabouts?
A. I told you. That is the money they have made.
Q. How?
A. Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him inte-
rest.
Q. How much?
A. It depends on the bank rate. Say five and a-half percent.
That's their profit.
Q. Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A. It's the theory of banking practice that...
Q. When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A. You do.
Q. You don't say. How much?
A. It depends on the bank rate. Say half a percent.
Q. Grasping of me, rather?
A. But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out
again.
Q. But of course, I'm going to draw it out again. If I hadn't
wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the gar-
den, couldn't I?
A. They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.
Q. Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a liability. Wouldn't
they be glad if I reduced their liabilities by removing it?
A. No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.
Q. But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A. Certainly.
Q. But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A. Then they'll let you have someone else's money.
Q. But suppose he wants his too... and they've let me have it?
A. You're being purposely obtuse.
Q. I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money at
once?
A. It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.
Q. So what banks bank on is not having to meet their commitments?
A. I wouldn't say that.
Q. Naturally. Well, if there's nothing else you think you can tell
me...?
A. Quite so. Now you can go off and open a banking account.
Q. Just one last question.
A. Of course.
Q. Wouldn't I do better to go off and open up a bank?
How to treat a lady
===================
Disclaimer: I'm not responsible for anything that happens if you
try any of these out in real life.
1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better"
this will keep her on her toes and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weak-
ness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really
hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what
a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over.
Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping.
If she is, say you better be. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until
morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might
be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal im-
provement and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break
them, because jewelry is for pussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "**** you" and grab
the other girls ass. Girls love competition.
8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those
special nicknames.
9. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket
... Then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and
say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're
going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get
warm is with fear.
10. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to
the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back
right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way
home for ditching you at the party.
11. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small
pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why
shouldn't girls?
12. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give
her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the ob-
ject she deep down desires to be.
13. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following:
shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only
take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.
14. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your
smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You
know what I'm talking about.
15. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
16. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell
her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
17. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her
material objects aren't important. The only thing thats impor-
tant is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the
greatest present she can ever get.
18. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or
just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next
time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash
can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.
Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's
funny.
19. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the
day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her
when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now
shell be really excited. Now don't call.
20. Next time you are having sex, make sure you get off before she
does, then get off her and leave. Girls love that.
===================
Disclaimer: I'm not responsible for anything that happens if you
try any of these out in real life.
1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better"
this will keep her on her toes and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weak-
ness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really
hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what
a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over.
Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping.
If she is, say you better be. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until
morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might
be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal im-
provement and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break
them, because jewelry is for pussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "**** you" and grab
the other girls ass. Girls love competition.
8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those
special nicknames.
9. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket
... Then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and
say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're
going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get
warm is with fear.
10. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to
the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back
right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way
home for ditching you at the party.
11. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small
pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why
shouldn't girls?
12. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give
her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the ob-
ject she deep down desires to be.
13. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following:
shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only
take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.
14. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your
smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You
know what I'm talking about.
15. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
16. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell
her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
17. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her
material objects aren't important. The only thing thats impor-
tant is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the
greatest present she can ever get.
18. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or
just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next
time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash
can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.
Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's
funny.
19. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the
day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her
when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now
shell be really excited. Now don't call.
20. Next time you are having sex, make sure you get off before she
does, then get off her and leave. Girls love that.