But if it weren't you who took/edited the picture, how do you know when was it created?
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (154 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
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G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber-
shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different bar-
ber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it
would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the
one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary
will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like."
shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different bar-
ber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it
would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the
one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary
will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
----------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
----------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
...........................
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
...........................
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"
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A somalian was interwied at US Embassy.
Consul: Ur name Please?
Mahad.
Consul: Sex?
Mahad: 6 times a weak.
Consul: i mean, male or female.
Mahad: both male and female. Sometimes even a camel.
Consul: Holy cow.
Mahad: yes, cows n dogs too.
Consul: man, isnt that hostile?
Mahad: Horsestyle, dogystyle, any style.
Consul: oh, dear!
Mahad: Deer? no deer, they run fast....
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A somalian was interwied at US Embassy.
Consul: Ur name Please?
Mahad.
Consul: Sex?
Mahad: 6 times a weak.
Consul: i mean, male or female.
Mahad: both male and female. Sometimes even a camel.
Consul: Holy cow.
Mahad: yes, cows n dogs too.
Consul: man, isnt that hostile?
Mahad: Horsestyle, dogystyle, any style.
Consul: oh, dear!
Mahad: Deer? no deer, they run fast....
Learn Chinese for the Olympics in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
English Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
:rofl2:
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!”
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!” Cindy responds: “I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!”
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her “love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: “Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??” Calmly, Naomi responds: “BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!”
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!”
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!” Cindy responds: “I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!”
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her “love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: “Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??” Calmly, Naomi responds: “BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!”
Said, but not meant
===================
Said: I had a great time last night.
Meant: Who the hell are you?
Said: I've been thinking a lot....
Meant: You looked a hell of a lot better when I was drunk.
Said: I'll give you a call.
Meant: I'd rather have my balls chewed off by a dog with rabies.
Said: I think we should just be friends.
Meant: You're ugly'n a babboon's ass.
Said: Haven't I seen you before?
Meant: Nice ass.
Said: I have something to tell you.
Meant: Get tested.
Said: We've been through so much together
Meant: If it weren't for you, I never would have lost my virginity.
Said: I've learned a lot from you.
Meant: Next!
Said: I need you
Meant: I'm tired of beating off.
Said: I want you back ...
Meant: ...for tonight anyway.
Said: You look great.
Meant: I'm so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
Said: Do you love me?
Meant: I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Said: Do you *really* love me?
Meant: I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
Said: How much do you love me?
Meant: I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on the way to tell you
now.
Said: It's just orange juice, try it.
Meant: Three more shots, and she'll have her legs hooked over my ears.
Said: I really want to get to know you better.
Meant: So I can tell my friends about it.
Said: How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?
Meant: How many other guys have you screwed?
Said: The car isn't running right.
Meant: I want a bigger engine and more knobs to play with.
Said: I don't need a road map. I know where we are.
Meant: Holy shit! Where the fuck are we?
Said: The remote's not working.
Meant: Come here and change the channel for me.
Said: I'm hungry.
Meant: Get off your ass and fix supper.
Said: It's your decision.
Meant: I need somebody to blame this shit on.
Said: We need to talk.
Meant: I need to complain.
Said: You're... so feminine.
Meant: I need somebody cheap who'll cook, clean, do the laundry...the windows...
Said: Let's be romantic... turn out the lights.
Meant: If I see all the zits on your ass, I'll never get a boner.
Said: Okay, then go in the bedroom and sulk.
Meant: And hurry up! The game's gonna start.
Said: I'm feeling romantic tonight.
Meant: There's no game on tonight.
===================
Said: I had a great time last night.
Meant: Who the hell are you?
Said: I've been thinking a lot....
Meant: You looked a hell of a lot better when I was drunk.
Said: I'll give you a call.
Meant: I'd rather have my balls chewed off by a dog with rabies.
Said: I think we should just be friends.
Meant: You're ugly'n a babboon's ass.
Said: Haven't I seen you before?
Meant: Nice ass.
Said: I have something to tell you.
Meant: Get tested.
Said: We've been through so much together
Meant: If it weren't for you, I never would have lost my virginity.
Said: I've learned a lot from you.
Meant: Next!
Said: I need you
Meant: I'm tired of beating off.
Said: I want you back ...
Meant: ...for tonight anyway.
Said: You look great.
Meant: I'm so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
Said: Do you love me?
Meant: I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Said: Do you *really* love me?
Meant: I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
Said: How much do you love me?
Meant: I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on the way to tell you
now.
Said: It's just orange juice, try it.
Meant: Three more shots, and she'll have her legs hooked over my ears.
Said: I really want to get to know you better.
Meant: So I can tell my friends about it.
Said: How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?
Meant: How many other guys have you screwed?
Said: The car isn't running right.
Meant: I want a bigger engine and more knobs to play with.
Said: I don't need a road map. I know where we are.
Meant: Holy shit! Where the fuck are we?
Said: The remote's not working.
Meant: Come here and change the channel for me.
Said: I'm hungry.
Meant: Get off your ass and fix supper.
Said: It's your decision.
Meant: I need somebody to blame this shit on.
Said: We need to talk.
Meant: I need to complain.
Said: You're... so feminine.
Meant: I need somebody cheap who'll cook, clean, do the laundry...the windows...
Said: Let's be romantic... turn out the lights.
Meant: If I see all the zits on your ass, I'll never get a boner.
Said: Okay, then go in the bedroom and sulk.
Meant: And hurry up! The game's gonna start.
Said: I'm feeling romantic tonight.
Meant: There's no game on tonight.
Q&A IV
======
Q. What is the definition of Confidence?
A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the
ass and say, "You're next!"
Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great
Q. What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A. One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub it!
Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.
Q. How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A. Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q. What is the speed limit for sex?
A. 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night"
Q. What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A. "Vagitarian"
Q. What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Q. What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?
A. The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings
Q. What have women and condoms got in common?
A. If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q. What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A. One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in a liquidizer.
Q. What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A. The front row at a Boyzone concert.
Q. What is the definition of disgusting?
A. Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.
======
Q. What is the definition of Confidence?
A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the
ass and say, "You're next!"
Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great
Q. What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A. One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub it!
Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.
Q. How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A. Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q. What is the speed limit for sex?
A. 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night"
Q. What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A. "Vagitarian"
Q. What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Q. What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?
A. The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings
Q. What have women and condoms got in common?
A. If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q. What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A. One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in a liquidizer.
Q. What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A. The front row at a Boyzone concert.
Q. What is the definition of disgusting?
A. Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.