Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)

[chester]

Learn Chinese for the Olympics in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)

English Chinese


That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Got a few more of these:


Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[RAMI-N]

 

[The Arif]

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. On the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family
of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to
you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now
a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going
to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a #9 on
this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want
to!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[The Arif]

Don't know if this has been posted before:


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

 

[Cuti]

Got a few more of these:


Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

young prostitute- sum yung ho

 

[Nejc]

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

[Cuti]

saw that ages ago but still hilarious

 

[Maher]

Affairs


A married man was having an affair


with his secretary.


One day they went to her place


and made love all afternoon.


Exhausted, they fell asleep


and woke up at 8 PM.


The man hurriedly dressed


and told his lover to take his shoes


outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.


He put on his shoes and drove home.


'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.


'I can't lie to you,' he replied,


'I'm having an affair with my secretary.


We had sex all afternoon.'


She looked down at his shoes and said:


'You lying bastard!


You've been playing golf!'







The 2nd Affair



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters


but always talked about having a son.


They decided to try one last time


for the son they always wanted.


The wife got pregnant


and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery


to see his new son.


He was horrifiedat the ugliest child


he had ever seen.


He told his wife: 'There's no way I can


be the father of this baby.


Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!


Have you been fooling around behind my back?'


The wife smiled sweetly and replied:


'Not this time!'






The 3rd Affair



A mortician was working late one night.


He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,


about to be cremated,


and made a startling discovery.


Schwartz had the largest private part


he had ever seen!


'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician


commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated


with such an impressive private part.


It must be saved for posterity.'


So, he removed it,


stuffed it into his briefcase,


and took it home


'I have something to show


you won't believe,' he said to his wife,


opening his briefcase.


'My God!' the wife exclaimed,


'Schwartz is dead!

 

[chester]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because
they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided
he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next
morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after par-
tying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The
boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before
but I either have to lay you or Jack off ."
"Could you jack off?" she says......"I feel like shit."

 

[A͎u͎s͎h͎]

@ Chester...

 

[Cuti]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! "

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

 

[Lion]

 

[chester]

Some interesting stuff
=================
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allow-
ed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence
we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasu-
ry.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monu-
ments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 

[Red]

Can't be aresd opening a new thread, so I'll just chuck this in here-


Man said 'wombat rape' led to accent change

By Nick Squires in Sydney


Last Updated: 1:33pm GMT 28/03/2008


A New Zealand man who claimed he was raped by a wombat and that the experience left him speaking with an Australian accent has been found guilty of wasting police time.

Arthur Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police last month to tell them he was being raped by the marsupial at his home and needed urgent assistance. Cradock, an orchard worker, later called back to reassure the police operator that he was all right.

"I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out. Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know. I didn't hurt my bum at all."

He pleaded guilty in Nelson District Court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose and was sentenced to 75 hours' community work.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court that alcohol played a large role in Cradock's life.

Judge Richard Russell said he was not sure what had motivated Cradock to make the extraordinary claim.

In sentencing Cradock, he warned him not to do it again.

Wombats are native to Australia and are not found in New Zealand. Although powerfully built and about the size of a small pig, they are very rarely dangerous. There are three species: the widely distributed common wombat and the much rarer southern and northern hairy-nosed wombats.

 

[rounder]

Is this shit for real ?

 

[Red]

I dunno.

Just found it on another forum.

I would guess it probably is real.

 

[Henry]

hehe, i saw that as well, on f365

 

[Chxta]

 

[Henry]

i still don't get the chili jokes...

 

[W T F]