Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Company Policy:
Effective from January 2008
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Effective from January 2008
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
An almost-dead man is rushed to the hospital. After a week he wakes up from coma. Doctor asks him:"What happened to you?"
Man replied:"Me and my wife were playing golf, and once my wife punched the ball off the court. We went off the court to find the ball. Then I saw a cow with something white in her ass. I lifted it's tale and saw the ball with initials of my wife. Then I shouted to my wife: "Look, it's just like yours!". From then on I don't remember anything."
Man replied:"Me and my wife were playing golf, and once my wife punched the ball off the court. We went off the court to find the ball. Then I saw a cow with something white in her ass. I lifted it's tale and saw the ball with initials of my wife. Then I shouted to my wife: "Look, it's just like yours!". From then on I don't remember anything."
Best Quote Of 2007
By Chris Rock, comedian
2-28-07
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white
guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is
Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the
U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the
three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and
Colon."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the
whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
allnight."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched
him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-foot-
ball player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning", he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into
bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all
night."
By Chris Rock, comedian
2-28-07
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white
guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is
Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the
U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the
three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and
Colon."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the
whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
allnight."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched
him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-foot-
ball player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning", he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into
bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all
night."
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases After her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all
That dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases After her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all
That dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!
Two guys
========
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des-
perate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
========
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des-
perate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
During a recent survey, women were asked...
"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"
Here are their actual responses:
"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed. "
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"
"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"
Here are their actual responses:
"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed. "
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"
