Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (7 Viewers)

[chester]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. They pay you back by selling you illegal fireworks and let you blow up small
parts of your country.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your
capital...
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradi-
tion.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will safe your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've
never seen your neighbors.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Ger-
mans. If you loose your keys, blame the Germans.
10.Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do in your county.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
Need I say more?
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they
make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10.Face it. It's not really a country, is it?


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries (Well, who
hasn't eh?)
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your
sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street
10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest
2. Oktoberfest-beer
3. BMW
4. VW
5. Audi
6. Mercedes
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that whould bring you to jail in any
other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn german as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common believe laughing is not forbidden by law.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[V]

6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they
make fun of you.
10.Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

These 2 are really good.

 

[chester]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass
he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take
a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it
for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[soulslider]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass
he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take
a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it
for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[Kosta]

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[RAMI-N]

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[chester]

Anybody can fart
================
A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were
playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, caus-
ing a little sand between his legs to shift.
The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
"How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks.
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a
huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand
flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up
against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where
the little girl is. Hefinds her laying on the ground, out cold,
flat on her back, spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress,
peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,"No wonder, dual exhaust."

 

[chester]

Man : Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man : Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man : So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man : Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man : How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.

Man : Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man : I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

----------------------------------------------

A little boy's happily playing with his train set. As the train pulls into the
station he scrapes his voice:
"Any fucker who wants to get on the bloody train, get on, and any fucker who
wants to get off, get off !!"

In the kitchen, his mum can't believe her ears. "That's it !", she says, "Go to
your bedroom and stay there untill you wear off that disguisting language, young
man !"

Half an hour later the boy's allowed back downstairs and makes straight for his
train set again. Off the train goes and after two laps comes in the station with
mum carefully listening.
"Would any person wishing to get on, please get on and any person who wishes to
get off, please get off", he announces. Mum's just about to breath a sigh of
relief when she hears him add: "And if anybody wants to know why we're fucking
delayed, just ask the bitch in the kitchen !"

 

[RAMI-N]

:rofl2:

 

[soulslider]

 

[V]

Anybody can fart
================
A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were
playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, caus-
ing a little sand between his legs to shift.
The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
"How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks.
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a
huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand
flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up
against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where
the little girl is. Hefinds her laying on the ground, out cold,
flat on her back, spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress,
peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,"No wonder, dual exhaust."

Great stuff.

 

[chester]

For my 2K post:

Honk if you love the Lord
=========================
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
'Honk if you love the Lord' sticker. I was feeling particularly
chirpy because I had just come from a wonderful prayer meeting, so
I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What a wonderful, uplifting experience fol-
lowed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just
lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't
noticethat the light had changed. It is a good thing that somebody
else loves the Lord, because if he hadn't honked I'd never have
noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love the Lord. Why, while I was sit-
ting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then
he leaned out of the window and screamed: "For the love of God,
GO, woman, GO! GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and waved and
smiled at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few
times to share in the love.
There was a driver with a surfboard on his car and he must have
been disappointed in the waves because he was yelling something
about the stupid beach. I just smiled and waved. Then I saw an-
other guy waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage son what it meant. He said
it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've
never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and
gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing. Why,
even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to ask what church attended, but at that moment I no-
ticed that the light had changed. So, I waved and grinned at all
my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection. I
noticed that mine was the only car that got through the intersec-
tion before the light changed again and I felt sort of sad that I
had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed
the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Ha-
waiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the
Lord for such wonderful folk!

 

[Bisco]

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!


Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.


Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast

 

[Bisco]

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

 

[Bisco]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

 

[Bisco]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

 

[Bisco]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

 

[Bisco]

True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.

 

[Bisco]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

 

[Bisco]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."