Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural.
She said, "What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?"
Charlotte said, "Singular."
The teacher said, "That's right Charlotte. Now, what do you call it if three women are looking out of a window?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "A whorehouse!"
She said, "What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?"
Charlotte said, "Singular."
The teacher said, "That's right Charlotte. Now, what do you call it if three women are looking out of a window?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "A whorehouse!"
There is a man walking down the street and he sees three midgets.
The first midget holds out his hand and says "look at my hand, its the smallest hand in the whole world".
The second midget says "look at my foot its the smallest foot in the world".
The 3rd midget says "I unfortunately i think have the smallest penis in the world"
So the man says "You guys should go get yourselves entered into the guiness book of world records". So the man takes the three midgets to the Guiness records headquarters. The first midget goes in and comes out after about 1 hour and says " I now officialy have the smallest hand in the world". The second midget goes in and comes out in 1 hour and says "I now officialy have the smallest foot in the world". The third midget goes in and comes out after only 5 minutes and when the man asks " How did you do" the midget says "Who the fuck is Raymond Domenech???!!!!".
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
The first midget holds out his hand and says "look at my hand, its the smallest hand in the whole world".
The second midget says "look at my foot its the smallest foot in the world".
The 3rd midget says "I unfortunately i think have the smallest penis in the world"
So the man says "You guys should go get yourselves entered into the guiness book of world records". So the man takes the three midgets to the Guiness records headquarters. The first midget goes in and comes out after about 1 hour and says " I now officialy have the smallest hand in the world". The second midget goes in and comes out in 1 hour and says "I now officialy have the smallest foot in the world". The third midget goes in and comes out after only 5 minutes and when the man asks " How did you do" the midget says "Who the fuck is Raymond Domenech???!!!!".
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
Australian Tourism Website
==========================
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
have a sense of humor.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks ( Sweden )?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send
me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville andHervey
Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Austra-
lia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific
which does not .... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is
every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is ... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo
races. Come naked.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop
out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking under-
neath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with
human urine before you go out walking.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female popu-
lation is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?
( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
==========================
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
have a sense of humor.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks ( Sweden )?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send
me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville andHervey
Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Austra-
lia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific
which does not .... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is
every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is ... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo
races. Come naked.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop
out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking under-
neath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with
human urine before you go out walking.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female popu-
lation is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?
( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
