Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (11 Viewers)

[Sadomin]

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PRIEST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST kissed the girl

GIRL: ...... Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST put his hand in the girl's top

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST took off the girl's clothes

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST had sex with the girl

GIRL: .Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.

PRIEST: BASTARD!!!!!

 

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[Paolo Sosa]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

 

[Paolo Sosa]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

 

[Paolo Sosa]

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

 

[Marceℓℓo]

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PRIEST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST kissed the girl

GIRL: ...... Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST put his hand in the girl's top

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST took off the girl's clothes

GIRL: Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PRIEST: You mean like this?

The PRIEST had sex with the girl

GIRL: .Yes!

PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.

PRIEST: BASTARD!!!!!

 

[ReBeL]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

[Nejc]

Doctor John had sex with one of his pacients. He felt quilty and he couldn't sleep. No matter how much he wanted to forget it, he just couldn't help himself. Sometimes he relaxes a bit and thinks:" It's not such a deal, your pacient is single, you are single, and you are not the only one who slept with his pacient". But then his internal voice gets him into reality: "John, you are a vet."

 

[Chxta]

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........?

 

[Firestarter]

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........?

I like it

 

[chester]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The mate-
rial we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will,
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[chester]

Scotsman and baseballs
======================
A Scotsman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball
game. The first batter approaches the batter's box, takes a few
swings, and then hits a double.

Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Scotsman listened as the
crowd again cheered, "Run! Run!"

The Scotsman enjoyed the game and started screaming with the fans.

The third batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "Walk!" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Scotsman stood up and screamed, "Run, ye lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scotsman
sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment,
leaned over and explained, "He can't run--he's got four balls."

The Scotsman jumped up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

 

[Firestarter]

^^

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

 

[ReBeL]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

! The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000." The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done," the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No prob lem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at! the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants, etc., so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course," said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "O! h, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

 

[Cuti]

get new jokes reb

 

[Azzurri7]

Scotsman and baseballs
======================
A Scotsman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball
game. The first batter approaches the batter's box, takes a few
swings, and then hits a double.

Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Scotsman listened as the
crowd again cheered, "Run! Run!"

The Scotsman enjoyed the game and started screaming with the fans.

The third batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "Walk!" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Scotsman stood up and screamed, "Run, ye lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scotsman
sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment,
leaned over and explained, "He can't run--he's got four balls."

The Scotsman jumped up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

 

[ßöмßäяðîëя]

An American man is sitting at a bar in London on his phone...he all of a sudden jumps up and yells, "YEA, My wife just had a healthy baby boy." The Lodoners around him congradulate him, ask where he's from, and then ask how much the baby weighs...."23 pounds," the American replies. "Jesus Christ, that's a big baby," exclaimed the Brits. American just shrugs, about average around the US, to be honest. "Well Jesus, here that is a huge baby." American shakes it off, pays his tab and rolls out.

Two days later, the American comes back into the same pub. "Hey American, we've been taking bets on how big your baby would be now, since he's such a large baby, so how much does he weigh today?" A simple, "17 pounds" says the American. The Bits are stunned, "17 pounds? The lad was 23 pounds two days ago, what the bloody hell happened to him?"

American replies:























































"Had him circumcised"

 

[Marceℓℓo]

Now that's funny Burkeboy.

 

[Azzurri7]

 

[AngelaL]

:rofl2:

Good ones, guys!