Yep. I think there's a photo of him at Highbury a few years back floating around. Y'know, before he was famous.
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Martin
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It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Shit'' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre .
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Shit'' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre .
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business
suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's
fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be
quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands
as far as they would go and announced: "I'll bet her butt is this
wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The
mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business
suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's
fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be
quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands
as far as they would go and announced: "I'll bet her butt is this
wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The
mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
Signs for the stupid
====================
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stu-
pid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't
ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me..oops, never mind.
I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes
and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over
and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once
or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer
of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all
them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one
way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it
looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and
you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but
hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
"Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at
my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other
three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over
to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get
back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs
the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been
wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck
and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for
help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He
went through his basic questioning ..ok .. no problem. I thought
sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your
truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back
at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a
bridge...here's your sign."
====================
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stu-
pid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't
ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me..oops, never mind.
I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes
and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over
and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once
or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer
of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all
them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one
way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it
looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and
you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but
hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
"Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at
my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other
three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over
to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get
back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs
the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been
wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck
and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for
help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He
went through his basic questioning ..ok .. no problem. I thought
sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your
truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back
at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a
bridge...here's your sign."
Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Maths In 2007
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Maths In 2007
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
One for the Scots:
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid.
I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis, what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Faddy "and you, James, what do you believe?"
"I believe" says Faddy "you're sitting in my seat."
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid.
I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis, what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Faddy "and you, James, what do you believe?"
"I believe" says Faddy "you're sitting in my seat."
