it's a jokes thread! it's the one place we charge up our sense of humour and have a laugh for a sec! please dont put restrictions! it only fucks up the whole thing! so leave it as it is! please! 
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Buy on AliExpress.com
it's a jokes thread! it's the one place we charge up our sense of humour and have a laugh for a sec! please dont put restrictions! it only fucks up the whole thing! so leave it as it is! please!
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... Well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work. "
His mom says, "Why? "
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... Well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work. "
His mom says, "Why? "
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of
the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic
sight, "here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the di-
rection of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's na-
ked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.......
He's naked, too!!! The bastard!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, and just a
kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
you a grand here....."
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of
the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic
sight, "here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the di-
rection of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's na-
ked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.......
He's naked, too!!! The bastard!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, and just a
kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
you a grand here....."
This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
***
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
***
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
***
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
***
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.
***
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shittin' me?
***
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
***
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a diffe-
rent attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
***
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
***
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess.
***
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depo-
sition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
***
Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
Witness: Oral.
***
Attorney: Do you recall t he time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
***
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
***
And the best for last:
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
***
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
***
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
***
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
***
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.
***
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shittin' me?
***
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
***
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a diffe-
rent attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
***
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
***
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess.
***
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depo-
sition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
***
Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
Witness: Oral.
***
Attorney: Do you recall t he time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
***
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
***
And the best for last:
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.