A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "it's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the expereience.
"Oh!, I liked it", she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...... hellooooooooo? it'sonly 25 cents!"
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One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.
He whispered back, 'I found the remote!'
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A man came home from work, sat on the couch, turned on the TV, and called to his wife: "Quick, bring me a beer before it begins!"
His wife looked at him a little strange, but went to get him a beer.
After drinking the beer, he said again: "Get me another one! It's gonna start soon!"
The wife looked a little annoyed to say the least, but did as she was told, and got him another beer. He chugged it down just like the last one.
He said: "Hurry! Bring me one more beer before it starts!"
"That's it!" shouted the wife. "You low-life piece of shit! You think you can just walk in like the king of the world, sit your fat ass on your couch without so much as saying hello to me, and expect me to serve you like a slave? Don't you understand that I cook and clean, do your laundry, do all the housework?"
"Ah shit," said the man. "Now it started."
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until
he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl o f dry
cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any
milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you
going to tell him, or should I"?
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful
young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was
waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to
the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the
step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for
the second time attempted the step. Once again, much
to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind to unzip a little more and again was unable
to take the step.
About this time, a l arge Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went
ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't
even know you!" The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
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WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A navel.
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