Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (11 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
They're protesting a day-after pill in France. The pill isn't being protested anywhere else because it would mean fewer French people."
—Craig Kilborn
“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”
—Mark Twain
“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”
—General George S. Patton
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf
“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson
Jacques Chirac: “As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.”
Rush Limbaugh: “As far as France is concerned, you’re right.”
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
—Regis Philbin
—Craig Kilborn
“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”
—Mark Twain
“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”
—General George S. Patton
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf
“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson
Jacques Chirac: “As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.”
Rush Limbaugh: “As far as France is concerned, you’re right.”
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
—Regis Philbin
The favorite bumper sticker in Washington now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.’” —Tom Brokaw
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?” —Dennis Miller
“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.” —Alan Kent
“They’ve taken their own precautions against al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”
—Argus Hamilton
“Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day—the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.’”
—Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller
“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in World War II? And that’s because it was raining.” —John Xereas
What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in World War II? Table for one hundred thousand, m’sieur?
The AP and UPI reported that the French government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?” —Dennis Miller
“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.” —Alan Kent
“They’ve taken their own precautions against al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”
—Argus Hamilton
“Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day—the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.’”
—Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller
“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in World War II? And that’s because it was raining.” —John Xereas
What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in World War II? Table for one hundred thousand, m’sieur?
The AP and UPI reported that the French government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
You maybe a farmer if:
1. Your dog rides in the truck more than your wife
2. You convince your wife that an overnight, out of State trip for parts is a vacation
3. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations
4. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house
5. You've never thrown away a 5 gallon bucket
6. You have used baling wire to attach a license plate
7. You have used a chainsaw to remodel your house
8. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate, and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday
9. You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment
10. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops
11. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway
12. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby
13. You have used a tractor with a loader as scaffolding for painting or roof repairs
14. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers and peel apples
15. You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not
16. You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even at night
17. You have used something other than paper as toilet paper
18. You refer to farms by who owned them 50 or more years ago
19. You give directions to your farm by using area landmarks, not road names or number
20. Your wife agrees to observe Mother's Day after the beans are planted
21. You have animals living in buildings more expensive than your house
22. Over 50% of your clothing came from feed or seed dealers
23. Family weddings and special events are planned around spring planting and fall harvest
24. You've been stopped by the deputy sheriff for a cluttered dashboard
25. The rusted out areas of your truck are sealed off with old tee-shirts or duck tape
26 Your know that checkoff is not a Russian diplomat
27. Your family instantly becomes silent when the weather comes on the news
28. You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair
29 You'll skip your own cousin's funeral for the first day of deer season ( and you know he would approve and would do the same if you died )
30. You can eat an ear of sweet corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds
31. You don't bother to clean up the dog's mess because it's just fertilizer, and the dog knows to stay out of your way
32. You know enough to get your driving done on Sundays before the "Sunday drivers" come out
33. It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town
34. You can tell the difference between the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feedlot
35. The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him
36. The meaning of true love is that you'll pose for a picture with both him and his favorite tractor
37. You consider a building a mall if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart
38. Your husband drives a friend home from the bar when he only lives 3 houses away
39. You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit
40. Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out
41. You know cow pies aren't made of beef
42. Your early morning prayer covers rain, cattle, and pigs
43. You consider a romantic evening driving through Hardees and renting a hunting instructional video
44. You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon and never get tired of him saying, "Gooooood day"
45. You can tell it's a farmer working late in the field, know who it is, what they're doing, and not think it's a UFO
46. Your nearest neighbor is in the next section, and you know what a section is
47, You actually understand the geographical neccesity of correction lines
48. Your other vehicle is a tractor
49. When you were little, you "beat-up" another kid on school bus arguing over the color of tractors
50. You have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, but you only wear one so you don't get the others dirty
51. If you were given $1,000,000.00 you would keep right on farming. You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and what you are
1. Your dog rides in the truck more than your wife
2. You convince your wife that an overnight, out of State trip for parts is a vacation
3. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations
4. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house
5. You've never thrown away a 5 gallon bucket
6. You have used baling wire to attach a license plate
7. You have used a chainsaw to remodel your house
8. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate, and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday
9. You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment
10. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops
11. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway
12. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby
13. You have used a tractor with a loader as scaffolding for painting or roof repairs
14. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers and peel apples
15. You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not
16. You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even at night
17. You have used something other than paper as toilet paper
18. You refer to farms by who owned them 50 or more years ago
19. You give directions to your farm by using area landmarks, not road names or number
20. Your wife agrees to observe Mother's Day after the beans are planted
21. You have animals living in buildings more expensive than your house
22. Over 50% of your clothing came from feed or seed dealers
23. Family weddings and special events are planned around spring planting and fall harvest
24. You've been stopped by the deputy sheriff for a cluttered dashboard
25. The rusted out areas of your truck are sealed off with old tee-shirts or duck tape
26 Your know that checkoff is not a Russian diplomat
27. Your family instantly becomes silent when the weather comes on the news
28. You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair
29 You'll skip your own cousin's funeral for the first day of deer season ( and you know he would approve and would do the same if you died )
30. You can eat an ear of sweet corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds
31. You don't bother to clean up the dog's mess because it's just fertilizer, and the dog knows to stay out of your way
32. You know enough to get your driving done on Sundays before the "Sunday drivers" come out
33. It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town
34. You can tell the difference between the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feedlot
35. The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him
36. The meaning of true love is that you'll pose for a picture with both him and his favorite tractor
37. You consider a building a mall if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart
38. Your husband drives a friend home from the bar when he only lives 3 houses away
39. You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit
40. Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out
41. You know cow pies aren't made of beef
42. Your early morning prayer covers rain, cattle, and pigs
43. You consider a romantic evening driving through Hardees and renting a hunting instructional video
44. You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon and never get tired of him saying, "Gooooood day"
45. You can tell it's a farmer working late in the field, know who it is, what they're doing, and not think it's a UFO
46. Your nearest neighbor is in the next section, and you know what a section is
47, You actually understand the geographical neccesity of correction lines
48. Your other vehicle is a tractor
49. When you were little, you "beat-up" another kid on school bus arguing over the color of tractors
50. You have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, but you only wear one so you don't get the others dirty
51. If you were given $1,000,000.00 you would keep right on farming. You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and what you are
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes, "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
"I'm from Dublin, I am."
"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town," the second guy says.
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
"I'm from Dublin, I am."
"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town," the second guy says.
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child. Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?" Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"
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A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”
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One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
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A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”
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One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.
A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank fuck for that i thought i had gone deaf!"
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.
What do you call the useless flesh around the vagina?
The woman.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
Walking the dog is relaxing.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.
A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank fuck for that i thought i had gone deaf!"
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.
What do you call the useless flesh around the vagina?
The woman.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.
Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice
Pregnant.
If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.
Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.
Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.
How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.
None, let the bitch cook in the dark!
Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.
How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard
Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.
what does michael jackson have in common with mcdonalds?
they both stick 50 year old meat in 11 yr old buns
what does michael jackson have in common with a shopping bag?
theyre both made of plastic and hazardous to children
i heard michael jackson was selling never land ranch, apparently now thats 15 yrs old he isnt attracted to it anymore.
did you hear about the new french tank?
it has 4 gears in reverse and one in forward incase they get attacked from behind.
why did the dysney world in paris close?
every time the fire works went off the french surrendered
they both stick 50 year old meat in 11 yr old buns
what does michael jackson have in common with a shopping bag?
theyre both made of plastic and hazardous to children
i heard michael jackson was selling never land ranch, apparently now thats 15 yrs old he isnt attracted to it anymore.
did you hear about the new french tank?
it has 4 gears in reverse and one in forward incase they get attacked from behind.
why did the dysney world in paris close?
every time the fire works went off the french surrendered
im just gonna try to come up with my own inter jokes now so i apologize if they suck.
why should you be upset when moratti thinking about guido rossi's buns accidentaly crashes into the inter bus and they all die?
ibrahimobitch wasnt on it, apparently he got left behind alone in the locker room with mancini for their one year anniversary together.......
why should you be upset when moratti thinking about guido rossi's buns accidentaly crashes into the inter bus and they all die?
ibrahimobitch wasnt on it, apparently he got left behind alone in the locker room with mancini for their one year anniversary together.......