Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
take that weak shit to another forum...... 
no-one like teh no-more nails joke?thought that was ace
anyway
Guy goes to the Council to apply for a job as an electrician.
The interviewer says: "Recruitment is done on a points system; have you been in the armed services? "
" Yes," he says " I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq . "
The interviewer says "Great; that will give you extra points toward employment" And then asks "were you trained as an electrician?"
The guy says " Yes I have all my papers."
"Brilliant, more points in your favour. Finally he asks: " Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy replies: "Unfortunately: 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off. "
The interviewer tells the guy "No problem; further points towards employment. OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."
The recruit is puzzled and says " If the hours are from 8:00 AM. To 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job " the interviewer replies. " For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... not really worth you coming in for that."
anyway
Guy goes to the Council to apply for a job as an electrician.
The interviewer says: "Recruitment is done on a points system; have you been in the armed services? "
" Yes," he says " I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq . "
The interviewer says "Great; that will give you extra points toward employment" And then asks "were you trained as an electrician?"
The guy says " Yes I have all my papers."
"Brilliant, more points in your favour. Finally he asks: " Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy replies: "Unfortunately: 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off. "
The interviewer tells the guy "No problem; further points towards employment. OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."
The recruit is puzzled and says " If the hours are from 8:00 AM. To 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job " the interviewer replies. " For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... not really worth you coming in for that."
no-one like teh no-more nails joke?thought that was ace
anyway
Guy goes to the Council to apply for a job as an electrician.
The interviewer says: "Recruitment is done on a points system; have you been in the armed services? "
" Yes," he says " I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq . "
The interviewer says "Great; that will give you extra points toward employment" And then asks "were you trained as an electrician?"
The guy says " Yes I have all my papers."
"Brilliant, more points in your favour. Finally he asks: " Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy replies: "Unfortunately: 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off. "
The interviewer tells the guy "No problem; further points towards employment. OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."
The recruit is puzzled and says " If the hours are from 8:00 AM. To 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job " the interviewer replies. " For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... not really worth you coming in for that."
anyway
Guy goes to the Council to apply for a job as an electrician.
The interviewer says: "Recruitment is done on a points system; have you been in the armed services? "
" Yes," he says " I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq . "
The interviewer says "Great; that will give you extra points toward employment" And then asks "were you trained as an electrician?"
The guy says " Yes I have all my papers."
"Brilliant, more points in your favour. Finally he asks: " Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy replies: "Unfortunately: 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off. "
The interviewer tells the guy "No problem; further points towards employment. OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."
The recruit is puzzled and says " If the hours are from 8:00 AM. To 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job " the interviewer replies. " For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... not really worth you coming in for that."
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
=====
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
Burke, the first one must be you.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
=====
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
Burke, the first one must be you.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
That it indeed says........ .. "HEBREWS"
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
That it indeed says........ .. "HEBREWS"
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.
The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''
The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''
The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.
''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.
The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''
The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''
The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.
''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"