you didnt say +rep, you said: This so deserves some rep.
Which indicates that you hadn't given me yet
Which indicates that you hadn't given me yet
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
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yes michael, you are right.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family
of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to
you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now
a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going
to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a #9 on
this list.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family
of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to
you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now
a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going
to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a #9 on
this list.
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."
CIA made tests for new cops, and after all of the test, there were 1 english, 1 french and 1 macedonian guy left.... they were put on the final test: a smal room with a table and 2 chairs inside. On the table there is a revolver, and on one of the chairs, there is a beautiful lady sitting. The test was to enter the room and kill the lady. The english guy quit as soon as he was told that he should kill someone. The french guy gets into the room, grabs the revolver, points it on the lady's face.... but he can't do it, she is too pretty.... And then the macedonian guy gets in, a gunshot fires from the room, and then another 10 minutes of hits and screamings... finally the macedonian guy get out of the room, all in blood and yells: "You goddamn morons, what are you, fuckin' idiots? You've put fake bullents in the revolver.... I had to kill her with the chair!
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.
One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy:
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
No offence to anyone
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
No offence to anyone
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy:
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
No offence to anyone
Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
No offence to anyone
That was great.
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
i love this one!!!!!!!!!!
i love this one!!!!!!!!!!
This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."