Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (61 Viewers)

[Bisco]

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."

 

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[ReBeL]

A Nun asked her class to write notes to God.


Here are some they handed in:

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Dear God :

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.


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Dear God:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?


**********


Dear God :

Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.


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Dear God:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.


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Dear God :

I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.


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Dear God:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?


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Dear God :

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?


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Dear God:

Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?


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Dear God:

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?


**********

Dear God:

Who draws the lines around the countries?


**********

Dear God :

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?


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Dear God:

Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.


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Dear God:

Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.


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Dear God:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.


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Dear God:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.


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Dear God:

You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.


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Dear God :

I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.


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Dear God:

Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.


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Dear God :

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?


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Dear God:

I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.


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Dear God :

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

 

[Bisco]

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."

 

[Bisco]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

 

[Bisco]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.

 

[Kaka1899]

@ Bisco haha very good all of them made my day! +Reps!

 

[Ahmedios]

@Ahmed and Abed, you are the best.

 

[Ahmedios]

Two Irish Nuns

Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the other
"I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America we might as
well do as Americans do."

So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. "Two Dogs, please," says the first
Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The first
Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun
cautiously ask, "What part of the dog did you get?"

 

[Bisco]

@Ahmed and Abed, you are the best.

so r u bro, yr jokes have always put a smile on my face.

 

[Ahmedios]

so r u bro, yr jokes have always put a smile on my face.

And I hope they'll always do.

 

[Ahmedios]

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."

Dammit, I have to spread some reputation around first.

 

[Cuti]

i'll accept if need be

 

[Chxta]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

 

[Hambon]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "
What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to
go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henry Youngman

" I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. "
Sam Kinison

" There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage. "
James Holt McGavran

" I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and
the second one didn't . " Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're
wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: " Wife wanted " . Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "
You can have mine. "
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): " My wife's an angel! " Second Guy " You're
lucky, mine's still alive. "

 

[Ahmedios]

@hamid, spot on.

 

[The Arif]

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

 

[The Arif]

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

 

[The Arif]

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

 

[The Arif]

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

 

[The Arif]

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

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A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

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There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.


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Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"

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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119"