Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (40 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
I got this one from a Dutch newspaper. I don't know what it's like in other countries, but here we have daily jokes next to the comics and letters to the editor:
There's a man in a hospital with his wife by his side. The man is suffering of a terrible disease and has been in the hospital for weeks. When he briefly wakes up between long hours of sleep, he asks his wife to come closer:
- "Honey, you've always been with me through the hard times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business went bankrupt, you were there. When I got shot, you were there and even when we lost the house, you were there for me."
"And now that my life is nearing it's end and I'll have to leave this earth soon, you're right by my side!"
- "I know dear", the woman replies with love. "What are you trying to say?"
- "I think you bring bad luck!"
There's a man in a hospital with his wife by his side. The man is suffering of a terrible disease and has been in the hospital for weeks. When he briefly wakes up between long hours of sleep, he asks his wife to come closer:
- "Honey, you've always been with me through the hard times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business went bankrupt, you were there. When I got shot, you were there and even when we lost the house, you were there for me."
"And now that my life is nearing it's end and I'll have to leave this earth soon, you're right by my side!"
- "I know dear", the woman replies with love. "What are you trying to say?"
- "I think you bring bad luck!"
Quotes...
"There's an old saying in Tennessee, i know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says, 'Fool me once... shame on ... shame on .. you; but fool--you can't get fooled again.'" -- Prince George Bush
"Software is like sex; it's better when it's free." --Linus Torvalds
The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. -- Andrew Brown
Windows NT crashed / I am the Blue Screen of Death / No one hears your screams
"Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." --Linus Torvalds
"Anyone who slaps a 'this page is best viewed with Browser X' label on a Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before the Web, when you had very little chance of reading a document written on another computer, another word processor, or another network." -- Tim Berners-Lee in Technology Review, July 1996 (this is the guy who invented the web, kids.)
"What is the sound of Perl? Is it not the sound of a wall that people have stopped banging their heads against?" --Larry Wall
"There's an old saying in Tennessee, i know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says, 'Fool me once... shame on ... shame on .. you; but fool--you can't get fooled again.'" -- Prince George Bush
"Software is like sex; it's better when it's free." --Linus Torvalds
The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. -- Andrew Brown
Windows NT crashed / I am the Blue Screen of Death / No one hears your screams
"Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had." --Linus Torvalds
"Anyone who slaps a 'this page is best viewed with Browser X' label on a Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before the Web, when you had very little chance of reading a document written on another computer, another word processor, or another network." -- Tim Berners-Lee in Technology Review, July 1996 (this is the guy who invented the web, kids.)
"What is the sound of Perl? Is it not the sound of a wall that people have stopped banging their heads against?" --Larry Wall
Martin you censored all my jokes 
Words Women Use
Study this and know it!
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Words Women Use
Study this and know it!
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners
I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.
I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.
I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
check out this kewl add
http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html
martin would get a kick out of this
http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html
martin would get a kick out of this
++ [ originally posted by Majed ] ++
check out this kewl add
http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html
martin would get a kick out of this
check out this kewl add
http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html
martin would get a kick out of this
And
advert indeed.
++ [ originally posted by Majed ] ++
check out this kewl add
http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html
martin would get a kick out of this
check out this kewl add
http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html
martin would get a kick out of this