Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)

[chester]

Be the man
==========
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE
MAN OF YOUR HOUSE". He stormed into the kitchen and walked direct-
ly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU
need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we
will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw
me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry
and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my
guess."

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Muha]

 

[AngelaL]

 

[chester]

Top jokes in different countries
================================
Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "“That's
the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says to a man next to her: "“The driver just insulted me!”"
The man says: "“You go right up there and tell him off –go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you.”"

Top joke in USA
The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a
well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American
newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to
LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit
jokes that simply ended with the punch line: ‘There's a weasel
chomping on my privates.
Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’
jokes.
xOne weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became
the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and
asked the Major: "“Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with
Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping
about.” "
"“Well sir",” says Major Barry after a moment of observation, "there
seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”"

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he
sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He
stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and
bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "“Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”"
The man then replies: "“Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”"

Top joke in Canada
------------------
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly dis-
covered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To
combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, under-
water, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia
---------------------
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and
all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I
woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my
hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty,
my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like
look on my face!
"What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly
says: "“Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with
your eyesight....”"

Top joke in Belgium
-------------------
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany
-------------------
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier
would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "“That's
not it” and put it down again."
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the
soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and
wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up,
smiled and said: "“That's it.”"

 

[ReBeL]

Nice ones, man...

I liked the Canadian one...

 

[Cuti]

why isnt there a maltese one andy??? What do you have against us?

 

[Omair]

never knew that germans are funny ...

 

[chester]

why isnt there a maltese one andy??? What do you have against us?

Against most maltese nothing, but against you...


j/k mate

 

[Chxta]

Naija yans nko?

 

[chester]

Police comment transcriptions
=============================
The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country:

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth cer-
tificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired
from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift su-
pervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey
poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we
want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal
friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your
bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE

#1 " You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right,
we don't - Sign here."

 

[ReBeL]

 

[chester]

--------------------------------------------------------------

The bacon tree
==============
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and
close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for
the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of
eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture …there's fried bacon,
back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured
pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like ba-
con... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5
meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a
machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

"Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees....


Eees a Ham Bush!”"

 

[chester]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
One day, he decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs
in his garden, but he knew he was alone and too old and weak. His
son was at college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail ex-
plaining the problem:
"Beloved son,
I am very sad because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am
sure, if only you were here, you would help me and dig up the gar-
den for me.

I love you,

Your father"

The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his
son:
"Beloved father,
Please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden the
'THING.'

I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4:00pm, the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old
man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch, but
they couldn't find anything. Disappointed, they left the house.

The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father,

I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your pota-
toes. That is all I can do for you from here.

Your loving son,
Ahmed"

 

[chester]

Church bells
============
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Ka-
tie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year
old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother re-
plied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that
damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive to-
day!"

 

[ReBeL]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
One day, he decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs
in his garden, but he knew he was alone and too old and weak. His
son was at college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail ex-
plaining the problem:
"Beloved son,
I am very sad because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am
sure, if only you were here, you would help me and dig up the gar-
den for me.

I love you,

Your father"

The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his
son:
"Beloved father,
Please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden the
'THING.'

I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4:00pm, the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old
man and took the whole garden apart, searching every inch, but
they couldn't find anything. Disappointed, they left the house.

The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:
"Beloved father,

I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your pota-
toes. That is all I can do for you from here.

Your loving son,
Ahmed"

Great...

 

[Muha]

 

[chester]

Birthday present
================
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birth-
day. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How
ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately
to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone
else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him
at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a
real bitch tonight, Dave."

-----------------------------------------------------------

No sex since 1955
=================
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at
a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one
of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy your-
self."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Fi-
nally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him seve-
ral times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-
fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Cuti]

:rofl2: for the no sex since 1955

 

[del pietro]

hahaha, rscafan.. top class!!

 

[chester]

Good to see you guys enjoying the jokes.