Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)

[ReBeL]

Great Error Messages!!

Disk Full
---------
Unable to save file.
Please delete your husband's huge collection of left handed surfing pictures.


Spazz
--------
You have clicked on empty space.
Would you like to make the buttons bigger you clumsy oaf.


F%*@
------
Invalid use of swearing.
It's not my fault you didn't save it.


Geek Alert
------------ -
Your anime background is too clichéd.
Are you sure you want to proceed?


It's Not The Tools
------------ --------
You have used a fatal plugin.
Having a cracked copy of photoshop doesn't make you an artist.


System Stable
------------ ----
Windows has determined that your machine hasn't crashed in a while.
Click okay to monkey around with your system DLLs


Expired
----------
This shareware has expired.
Would you like to trash your registry to avoid paying $5


Manager Error
------------ -----
You have been playing solitaire for 5 hours straight.
Would you like to do any work?


Keyboard Error
------------ ------
Your keyboard has stopped responding.
Try and eat your lunch away from your desk.


Name Warning
------------ -------
Windows has noticed you name all your files Dave and then a number.
Would you like a sensible suggested filename?

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Juve_Kosova]

>>Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple
>>boarded the
>>plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to
>>have some fun,
>>started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia",
>>the one said, "But
>>I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple
>>noticeably heard
>>and grew uncomfortable.
>>
>>The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to
>>Pakistan but I refused...
>>WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was
>>in Iran but I HATED
>>the fact that there were so many Muslims!"
>>
>>The couple fidgeted.
>>
>>The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get
>>away from them...
>>the last time I was in FRANCE I ran
>>into a bunch of them too!"
>>
>>The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why
>>you'll never see me in Somalia...WAY too many Muslims!"
>>
>>At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why
>>don't you go to Hell?", "I hear there's not many Muslims THERE!"

 

[ReBeL]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

 

[Juve_Kosova]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

 

[AbuGadanzieri]

i found this on another site and i think it is funny

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-Year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


vat yu sink

ples diskus

 

[AbuGadanzieri]

another one i found

Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


waht you tnhik

paesle dcsuiss

 

[3pac]

!!

 

[ReBeL]

vat yu sink

ples diskus

 

[Hambon]

:rofl2:

Abu your too much....

 

[del pietro]

"vat u sink" nice abu!

 

[AngelaL]

Hahahahahahaha!

 

[ĵџvє_вãвγ]

hehe

 

[A͎u͎s͎h͎]

 

[mikhail]

Man, that's older than the internet.

 

[JuVeMaNia86]

Musings on the English Language

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

-- Robert Benchley

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

 

[Rami]

Musings on the English Language

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

-- Robert Benchley

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

Wow Inter is a real JOKE

 

[chester]

A young couple goes for a ride. "I'll take my shirt off, if you
drive faster."
The boy accelerates to 100.
"I'll take my pants off if you drive faster!" says the excited
girl.
The boy accelerates to 130.
"If you drive faster, I'll take off everything!"
The boy drives 150, but distracted from her nudity, loses control
and the car hits a tree.
"Go out and get help!!!" cries the wounded boy.
The stunned girl, covering her naked pussy with his shoe, runs to
a nearby store.
"Help, help!! My boyfriend's had an accident!!!"
"I'm sorry honey," says the store keeper. "I believe he's stuck
far too deep!"

 

[chester]

Signs
=====
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a
car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on
in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."

At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"

At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come
again."

 

[alex74]

a little italian boy goes to his mother 5 days before
christmas and says "mommy, i want a sega for
christmas" and his mother says: "well, if you want a sega
then you go write a letter to baby jesus" so the
boy goes up to his room and takes a note pad and writes:
"Dear baby jesus, if u bring me a sega then i will
be good for 1 whole year..." "no no no no, i can not be
good for a whole year..." so he tears up the paper and
wites: "Dear baby jesus, if u bring me a sega
then i shall be good for 6-months..." "no no no no, i can not
be good for 6-months" so he tears up the paper and looks at
the statue of the virgin mary, takes it, puts it in his closet,
locks the closet and begins to write: "Dear baby jesus, if u ever
want to see ur mother again..."

 

[Chxta]

Signs
=====
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a
car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on
in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."

At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"

At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come
again."