Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)

[IlDivinCodino]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[IlDivinCodino]

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

 

[IlDivinCodino]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[chester]

There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men pulled out a cigaret-
te, and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic
lighter.
"Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?"
"Oh, my genie got it for me."
"Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He is in my golf bag."
The friend says, "can I see him?"
His friend says " yes, sure!"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie.
The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me
just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks. The
genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky
starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a mil-
lion ducks.
He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of
hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
His friend says to him, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

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ONE FROGGY EVENING
==================
An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: "I'm a
beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of
love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you
kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the
joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust."

The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.

Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
"What, you're not going to kiss me?"

"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog
than a sex maniac."

 

[Badass J Elkann]

chimi is now an outfield player along with the legendary atilio lombardo, taken from ciro ferrara's testimonial

 

[chester]

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars"

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed.' "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't
move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

 

[Chxta]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that
modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father
sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's
Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to
READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can
neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!
"That's my boy!

 

[AbuGadanzieri]

hi i found this joke on another site

what you think

please discuss



A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores
them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country. . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."









I BET YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!



i am sorry i dont mean to insult anyone by the joke and if you are insulted please tell me and i will delete

 

[JCK]

The joke is amazing Abu don't delete it.

And you win the bet, I read it once again

 

[Morra10]

hi i found this joke on another site

what you think

please discuss



A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores
them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country. . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."









I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!



i am sorry i dont mean to insult anyone by the joke and if you are insulted please tell me and i will delete

hey i read it twice to make sure it spelt mississippi

 

[del pietro]

Abu that was friggin hillarious!

 

[Chxta]

And old...

 

[/usr/bin]

Religious Nuts
spacer
There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

 

[V]

abu that was priceless.

 

[Byrone]

@ Nawaf

 

[Byrone]

Abu that was hilarious!

 

[/usr/bin]

Smoking in the Rain
spacer


Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

--------------------

Voodoo Enronomics
spacer
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

-------------------------

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you''re dead.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A: Vampires only suck blood at night.
--------------------------------
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

[/usr/bin]

Joke 1
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Joke 2
Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Joke 3
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[Azzurri7]

Binladen's MSN.

 

[Azzurri7]

Jack, read this

A little Syrian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking.
>>> >>>While playing, he wears a "tarboush" and a "sherwal" Lebanese tradition clothes... and says:"Mom,look, I'm a Lebanese boy now "!!
>>> >>>His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father."
>>> >>>He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a Lebanese boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show
your grandmother." The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Look, Grandma, I'm a Lebanese boy.
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
>>> >>>His mother says:
>>>"See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which
>>> >>>the
>>> >>>boy replies: "Sure I did!! I've only been Lebanese for five
>>> >>>minutes and
>>> >>>I already HATE you Syrians!"