Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (7 Viewers)

[ReBeL]

One day a classmate told little Timmy that most adults have at least one dark secret and that they can be easily blackmailed simply by saying, "I know the whole truth." Timmy decided to try it out. He went home and when his mother greeted him, he frowned and said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father!" This worked so well for Timmy that he decided to see what he could get from his father. When his father got home, Timmy greeted him at the door and said, "I know the whole truth." His father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't tell your mother!"

Very pleased, Timmy headed out the door to school the next day when he ran into the mailman. He greeted the mailman with his new phrase, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman dropped his mail, opened his arms, and said, "Then come give your daddy a big hug! "

 

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[ReBeL]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

 

[Chxta]

:rofl2:

 

[IlDivinCodino]

If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?

 

[IlDivinCodino]

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken"

 

[Chxta]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master Bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened" "Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story. . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them.

Since she was very dirty, I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you.

I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story... "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door, she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"

 

[ReBeL]

Very nice

 

[Byrone]

 

[ReBeL]

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. " So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying " Ehhhh... 22 !"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces " Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics."
And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying " Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks " Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what
were you doing when we asked you your name ?"

" Ohh, that!", replies the blonde, " I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

 

[Byrone]

Thats low Rebel

 

[Chxta]

Guy is sleeping in a hotel with thin walls, so he hears all the sex going on in the next room...

The fellow in the next room after he's through asks the gal: 'Did I hurt you?'
She replies: 'No, why?'
He says: 'Because you moved.'

 

[Eddy]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master Bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened" "Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story. . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them.

Since she was very dirty, I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you.

I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story... "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door, she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"

 

[Mauro16]

BREAKING NEWS:
Materazzi has been been found dead in a hotel owned by the French Football Team. Rumours suggest he was seeking an apology from the French Captain after his violence outburst in the World Cup final.

When asked what had happened and where he'd been found, a police spokeman said it was murder on Zidane's floor.


...

 

[ReBeL]

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"

The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"

 

[Byrone]

 

[ReBeL]

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you. Allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

 

[del pietro]

once upon a time there were 2 statues.. a man and a woman.. they had been
there for 100s of years. Until one day an angel came down and told them..
"I'm going to give u a gift u've always wanted. I'll give u guys 30 minutes
of life"..

the statues were so excited.. then days later the angel came back and
brought them to life.. the statues were soo happy and excited.. they ran
behind a bush... meanwhile the angel could here this rustling and
moaning..."ahh, ooh, ahh, ooh".. then finally the too statues came out from
behind the bush.. "wow!" said the guy.. he looked at is watch and realised
he still had 15 minutes left.. he looked at the girl and said "that was
awesome! we got 15 minutes left.. u wanna do it again??".. she thought about
it then replied.. "hmm ok.. but only if u hold the pigeon and i get to shit
on it's head."

 

[Mauro16]

Since Sunday evening the whole World has been debating what Italian defender, Marco Materazzi said to Zinedine Zidane to make the retiring Frenchman react in the way he did.

The French captain, in his last ever professional game, thrust his head into Materezzi's chest in Sunday's World Cup Final resulting in a red card and shame for Zidane.

Today, with the help of Italian lip-reader Arturo Belladini, we can reveal what drove Zidane to self destruct;

Materazzi was seen to hold Zidane's shirt on the edge of the penalty box in extra-time at which point Zidane said "if you want my shirt so bad you can have it"

Materazzi responded "I dont want your shirt you m***** f*****. you're a f****** old man"

As they jog away Zidane is seen to laugh at this and it is unclear how he responded due to him having his back to the TV camera.

Materazzi then hit a volley of abuse "you should've quit 2 years ago, you're a f****** has-been m***** f*****! your mum is a f****** muslim terrorist and you are too, f*** you old man f*** you old man, this arena is not for you anymore m***** f****. Your sister is a whore and the whole Italian team has f***** her"

"f*** off you bald c*nt"

Zidane carries on jogging away before Materazzi shouts, "you are only good enough for Inter"

It's at this very point Zidane turned and head-butted him.

 

[d.nico]

nowaday speed is everything.

 

[Morra10]

im white and i take offence to that :rofl2: