Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (33 Viewers)
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BUSH SUES SANTA
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
I could never understand why Mary and Joseph Tried to get a room in Bethlehem at christmas,Its their busiest time of year:- saddam Hussein.
Q. What do you give a pedophile who has everything?
A. A bigger parish.
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls
Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.
On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"
The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly.
He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute.
The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy,
"What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."
A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch.
There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three life jackets.
The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.
Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Fuck the children!!" and the Priest enquires, "Is there time...?"
Jesus walks into an inn, walks up to the bar, throws three nails on the counter and says to the girl,
"Hey do you think you can put me up for the night?"
Adolf Hitler approached the golden gates of heaven and St.Peter stood before him.
"name"
I am adolf hitler.
Peter looked down his list and said"sorry your not welcome here".
Adolf said" If you let me in I will give you the iron cross the highest order in all of Germany"
Jesus was standing nearby and told Peter "I will handle this" He went and saw God and told him" Adolf Hitler is at the gates and if I let him in he will give me the iron cross the highest order in all of Germany"
God said "what are you going to do with an iron cross,you could'nt even carry your wooden one".
Jesus walked into an Inn put four nails on the bar and said "can you put me up for the night?"
Jesus was up on the cross and he said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took one step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right arm off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took another step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his left arm off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took another step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right leg off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took a hop forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right leg off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter rolled forward and a Roman centurion hacked his head off.
As Peter's head looked up at his master Jesus said,
"Peter Peter I can see your house from here"
God thought It was about time Jesus got another job,so he called him over and said "Im going to offer you two jobs".
The first is on earth paying £35,000.
The second is on venus paying £30,000.
Jesus thought for a minute and said "I'll take the one on Venus"
God said but it's only paying £30,000
Jesus said "yes but last time I was on earth I was hammered with tax"
A young man standing on top of the Empire state Building was approached by two hippies
"Hey man can you do a flip"
"whats a flip"
"well man you dive off and just before you hit the ground you flip up your hands and you fly back up ,look I'll show you"
the hippie dives off and sure enough as he's about to hit the ground he flips up his hands and flies back up.
The young man has a go but as he flips his hands up he splats on the floor.
One hippie turns to the other and says,
"you know what,for an arc angel Gabriel you can be a right Bastard".
Q. Why was christ crusified?
A. Because if he was drowned Catholics would have to hang an aquarium above their door.
Q. What do you give a pedophile who has everything?
A. A bigger parish.
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls
Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."
Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.
On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"
The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly.
He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute.
The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy,
"What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda."
A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch.
There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and three children. But there are only three life jackets.
The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.
Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Fuck the children!!" and the Priest enquires, "Is there time...?"
Jesus walks into an inn, walks up to the bar, throws three nails on the counter and says to the girl,
"Hey do you think you can put me up for the night?"
Adolf Hitler approached the golden gates of heaven and St.Peter stood before him.
"name"
I am adolf hitler.
Peter looked down his list and said"sorry your not welcome here".
Adolf said" If you let me in I will give you the iron cross the highest order in all of Germany"
Jesus was standing nearby and told Peter "I will handle this" He went and saw God and told him" Adolf Hitler is at the gates and if I let him in he will give me the iron cross the highest order in all of Germany"
God said "what are you going to do with an iron cross,you could'nt even carry your wooden one".
Jesus walked into an Inn put four nails on the bar and said "can you put me up for the night?"
Jesus was up on the cross and he said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took one step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right arm off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took another step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his left arm off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took another step forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right leg off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter took a hop forward and a Roman centurion hacked his right leg off
Jesus said "Peter,Peter.
Peter rolled forward and a Roman centurion hacked his head off.
As Peter's head looked up at his master Jesus said,
"Peter Peter I can see your house from here"
God thought It was about time Jesus got another job,so he called him over and said "Im going to offer you two jobs".
The first is on earth paying £35,000.
The second is on venus paying £30,000.
Jesus thought for a minute and said "I'll take the one on Venus"
God said but it's only paying £30,000
Jesus said "yes but last time I was on earth I was hammered with tax"
A young man standing on top of the Empire state Building was approached by two hippies
"Hey man can you do a flip"
"whats a flip"
"well man you dive off and just before you hit the ground you flip up your hands and you fly back up ,look I'll show you"
the hippie dives off and sure enough as he's about to hit the ground he flips up his hands and flies back up.
The young man has a go but as he flips his hands up he splats on the floor.
One hippie turns to the other and says,
"you know what,for an arc angel Gabriel you can be a right Bastard".
Q. Why was christ crusified?
A. Because if he was drowned Catholics would have to hang an aquarium above their door.
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger...
Good one ChxtaA man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."
The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."
The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want
to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution
to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray
and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to
pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying
in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the
male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes!
Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your
Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want
to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution
to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray
and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to
pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying
in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the
male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes!
Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your
Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them.
Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was
rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.
When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:
Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...
Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I owe the place.
Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).
P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.
Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was
rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.
When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:
Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...
Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I owe the place.
Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).
P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.