Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)

[IlDivinCodino]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

 

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[IlDivinCodino]

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?' "

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?' "

Again there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher said, "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"

Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

 

[IlDivinCodino]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

 

[Bozi]

woamn is involved in a head on collsision and thrown from her car,the doctors give her little or no hope of ever awakening from her coma. after several months of no response one day the nurses are giving her a bed bath, one of the nurses brushes her hand against the ladies pussy and the monitors go crazy,ys the firs response in months. the nurses look at each other and try again, once more the monitors go crazy and they realise she is enjoying teh stimulation.
the nurses call in the womans husband and explain what had happened and suggest a little oral sex, as this could lead to a breakthrough. a little disturbed by this the husband reluctantly agrees,goes into the room and closes the curtains.
a couple of minutes pass and the monitors start going crazy again, but then suddenly they go flat and the woman dies. the husband comes out of teh room and the nurses ask "didn't she enjoy the oral sex?" "yes" he says"at first she seemed to realy enjoy it but after a couple of minutes she choked and died"

 

[Joaco]

 

[IlDivinCodino]

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night - only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is this", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the fast 5 years?"

"Honey, let me explain.."

"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids?"

 

[IlDivinCodino]

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

 

[IlDivinCodino]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

 

[DelPierino]

Why is it so hard to play hide and seek with someone from the netherlands?

Because no one would search for them!

 

[DelPierino]

Ballack Henry and Van Nistelroy are waiting to see their Babys in the Hospital for the
first time! The nurse comes to them and beginns to explain that thei mixed the Babys! And don´t know wich one is from who! So they are going to watch what happend! Ballack takes the black Baby then Henry asks him : Don´t you think this one is mine? Then Ballack is telling him: I don´t care as long as i´m not taking the one one from the Netherlands!

 

[IlDivinCodino]

what do you have against Holland nyways?
legal weed?

 

[mikhail]

He's German.

 

[Stephan]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment and said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

[Stickyicky]

Great thread

Some good ones.

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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

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Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat’s milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he’s a martyr."

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

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Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching? D The best..)

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

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Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

 

[IlDivinCodino]

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

[IlDivinCodino]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to my music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

[Chxta]

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

 

[Marko]

Do you know name of son of brazilian & blonde?
Retardinho

 

[Chxta]

Lame...

 

[Menace]

Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud.