Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (28 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad!!!
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
ReBeL said:
DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad!!!
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
A new song:
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES
Number 4
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what
happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh ... she got fired too."
Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together."
"I know," the old man said "and we were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Number 4
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what
happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh ... she got fired too."
Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together."
"I know," the old man said "and we were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning
they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she
know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before
you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister
Kathleen."
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning
they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she
know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before
you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister
Kathleen."
Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers Bar. Tam
turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o' gan through life withoot
an education. I'morn, I think I'll ging doon to the community college and
sign up fior some classes."
Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Tam goes down
to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic
classes: Maths, English, History and logic.
"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"
The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?" "Aye" "Then
logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden?"
"That's true, I dee huv a Gerden." "I'm not done," the Lecturer says.
"Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Aye, I dee huv a hoose." "And because you have a house, I think that you
might logically have a family." "I huv a femily." "I'm not done yet. Because
you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yer nae wrang!! I
dee huv a wife!!" "And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual?" "I am a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find
a' that oot, jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer's hand and leaves to
meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up
for Maths, English, History and logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"
Tam says, "I'll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?"
"No."
"Well then, yer a poof."
turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o' gan through life withoot
an education. I'morn, I think I'll ging doon to the community college and
sign up fior some classes."
Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Tam goes down
to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic
classes: Maths, English, History and logic.
"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"
The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?" "Aye" "Then
logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden?"
"That's true, I dee huv a Gerden." "I'm not done," the Lecturer says.
"Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Aye, I dee huv a hoose." "And because you have a house, I think that you
might logically have a family." "I huv a femily." "I'm not done yet. Because
you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yer nae wrang!! I
dee huv a wife!!" "And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a
heterosexual?" "I am a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find
a' that oot, jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer's hand and leaves to
meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up
for Maths, English, History and logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"
Tam says, "I'll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?"
"No."
"Well then, yer a poof."
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co."
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co"
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co."
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co"
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
---
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
---
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time...
Milking a Cow!!
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time...
Milking a Cow!!