Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (161 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Women's Vocabulary
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
[B]Things Men Say[/B]
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Only In America
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.
Reasons To Be Single
Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.
I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.
I could show my girlfriend where I live.
I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!
I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.
I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.
I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
I could use my own name at hotels.
I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".
Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.
I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.
I could show my girlfriend where I live.
I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!
I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.
I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.
I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
I could use my own name at hotels.
I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".
Signs Of Maturity
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
Signs You're Broke
You know you're really broke when...
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
Sally Struther's sends you food.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You're in college.
On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
You owe yourself money.
You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
You know you're really broke when...
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
Sally Struther's sends you food.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You're in college.
On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
You owe yourself money.
You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
Bush Humor
President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity
10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000
8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004
7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005
5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity
10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000
8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004
7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005
5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
Bush Bumpers
The election is over, but the bumper stickers will remain for years to come...
1. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
2. BU_ _SH_ _!
3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
4. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
5. Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
7. Bush/Cheney '04: Less CIA -- More CYA
8. Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
9. Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
10. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
11. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
12. Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
13. Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
14. Don't think. Vote Bush!
15. George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
16. George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
17. George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
18. Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier
19. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
20. Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!
got that right didnt u!
The election is over, but the bumper stickers will remain for years to come...
1. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
2. BU_ _SH_ _!
3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
4. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
5. Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
7. Bush/Cheney '04: Less CIA -- More CYA
8. Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
9. Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
10. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
11. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
12. Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
13. Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
14. Don't think. Vote Bush!
15. George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
16. George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
17. George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
18. Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier
19. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!
20. Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!
got that right didnt u!
Bumper Stickers
Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
Zero to dick in 60 seconds.
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. WORD!!!
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Nice People Swallow!
Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!
If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
My wife's other car is a broom.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.
I love cats...dead ones.
I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Zero to bitch in 10 seconds
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!
Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!
Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me......
Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!
Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!
HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!
Barney sucks.
Life is too short. Don't be a dick.
Forget Subtlety... FUCK YOU!
Most of the time I swallow, but for asshole's like you, I spit...
Fuck the dog watch out for the owner.
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.
Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!
A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.
I just want revenge. Is that so bad?
I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
So many cats.....so few recipes.
My other ride is your MOTHER!! looooooooooooooooooooooooool
Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!
Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
Zero to dick in 60 seconds.
Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. WORD!!!
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
Nice People Swallow!
Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.
Hang Up And Drive!
If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
This car is not abandoned!
I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU
"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often
If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!
If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion
Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.
WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.
Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.
My wife's other car is a broom.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.
I love cats...dead ones.
I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Zero to bitch in 10 seconds
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!
Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!
Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me......
Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!
Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!
HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!
Barney sucks.
Life is too short. Don't be a dick.
Forget Subtlety... FUCK YOU!
Most of the time I swallow, but for asshole's like you, I spit...
Fuck the dog watch out for the owner.
If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.
Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.
Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!
A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.
I just want revenge. Is that so bad?
I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
So many cats.....so few recipes.
My other ride is your MOTHER!! looooooooooooooooooooooooool
Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!
Dictionary Of Dating
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Driving Styles
Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.
Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap
Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.
Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.
Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.
Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.
West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.
Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.
Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.
Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.
Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.
Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel
New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!
Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.
California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.
Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.
Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.
Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.
Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.
Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.
Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.
Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.
Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap
Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.
Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.
Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.
Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.
West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.
Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.
Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.
Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.
Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.
Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel
New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!
Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.
California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.
Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.
Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.
Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.
Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.
Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.
Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.
You're Canadian When
Signs showing you might be from Canada...
You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink Pop, not Soda.
You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians.
You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
You say "aboot" instead of "about"
Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts
When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.
You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.
Every murder is reported.
You can understand Jean Chrétien (most of the time, anyway)
You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.
You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!! And then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them... further!
Signs showing you might be from Canada...
You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink Pop, not Soda.
You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians.
You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
You say "aboot" instead of "about"
Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts
When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.
You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.
Every murder is reported.
You can understand Jean Chrétien (most of the time, anyway)
You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.
You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!! And then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them... further!
Women Timeline
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Rules For Men
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
Rules For Women
(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.
(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.
She was only a...
PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.
HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.
BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!
GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!
STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!
TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running
ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.
FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!
FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!
PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!
SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!
PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!
FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.
ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.
COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.
MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.
ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.
BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.
ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.
FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.
MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.
PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.
HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.
BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!
GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!
STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!
TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running
ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.
FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!
FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!
PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!
SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!
PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!
FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.
ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.
COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.
MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.
ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.
BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.
ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.
FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.
MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.
The Warning Signs of Insanity...
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.
You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
You like reading lists like this
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.
You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
You like reading lists like this
Types Of Breasts
There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now...
. . Itty bitty titties
()() Little breasts
(.)(.) Nice breasts
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
(D)(D) Bullets
(O)(O) Handful breasts
(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts
\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts
[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram
* ^ * Flat chest
(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) High nipple breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{O}{O} D cups
(^)(^) Cold breasts
(<)(<) Perky breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts
lollol Android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)
(O)A(O) Tit fucked breasts
There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now...
. . Itty bitty titties
()() Little breasts
(.)(.) Nice breasts
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
(D)(D) Bullets
(O)(O) Handful breasts
(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts
\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts
[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram
* ^ * Flat chest
(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) High nipple breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{O}{O} D cups
(^)(^) Cold breasts
(<)(<) Perky breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts
lollol Android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)
(O)A(O) Tit fucked breasts
A guy went hunting and he had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and a double-barreled shotgun.
As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped his shotgun and it fired, hitting him right in his penis.
Obviously, he had to be rushed to the emergency room at a nearby hospital. When he awoke from the surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it, but his penis was still riddled with holes.
As he was preparing to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him. He'll be able to help you further."
The guy asked, "Is your brother a doctor?"
"No," the doctor replies, "he plays the flute. He can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped his shotgun and it fired, hitting him right in his penis.
Obviously, he had to be rushed to the emergency room at a nearby hospital. When he awoke from the surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it, but his penis was still riddled with holes.
As he was preparing to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him. He'll be able to help you further."
The guy asked, "Is your brother a doctor?"
"No," the doctor replies, "he plays the flute. He can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."