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A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" said the farmer. "No mate, he isn't; he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?" "No, she went to town with Dad." "How about your...

Next morning ============ A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?", he asked. "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Je- sus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head...

Thirteen ======== I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13." The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some jerk then poked me in the...

Confession ========== A man went into confession one day. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the man. "What have you done?" asked the priest. "I housed a refugee during the second world war." "That is not a sin," replied the priest. "You don't understand,"...

Police ticket lines =================== The following 15 Police comments were taken from actual Police car videos around the country. Count down to #1... #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #14 "If you take...

Bad eyesight ============ Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his reti- rement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see...

Do these drive you nuts? ======================== 1. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the en- tire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 2. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...

:lol: Yeah, and you get it with a happy meal

Why why why =========== Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batte- ries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but...

Marriage Q&A with kids --------------------------- How do you decide who to marry? ------------------------------- You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --...

Reasons it's great to be a guy ============================== * Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. * A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase. * You don't have to monitor your friends' love lives. * Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. * You can open all your own...

The F-word ========== Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable -- 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938 7...

PARTII 81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge 82) Shroud your trout then make her shout 83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky 84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers 85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout 86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel 87)...

161 condom slogans PARTI ================== 1) Cover your stump before you hump 2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie 4) When in doubt shroud your spout 5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6) You can't go wrong, if you shield...

Quotes part I ============= Entropy isn't what it used to be. (Owen K. Lorian) Husband to his wife: Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work. (Joan DeGrave) Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't...

Things my mother taught me ========================== My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're go- ing kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother...

Math is beautifull ================== 1 x 8 + 1 = 9 12 x 8 + 2 = 98 123 x 8 + 3 = 987 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The...