Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (7 Viewers)

[The Curr]

Eric called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Eric. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Eric said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, fell down the stairs, went through the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to paint it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, then Eric said, "Swimming pool? Is this 741-0766?"

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[The Curr]

A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an
automated speed check on a highway. A €80 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police a photo of €80. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A traffic cop
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Traffic Department
Ball.' He replied, 'The Traffic Department don't have balls.....'
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left.



And an old classic to boot........

A senior citizen, 76, drove his brand new BMW convertible out of
the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the road, pushing the
pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the cop's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the cop walked up to the BMW, looked at his
watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me
a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a
cop. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir' replied the cop.

 

[chester]

Things my mother taught me
==========================
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're go-
ing kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out
of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten
up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week"

My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 - "If you fall out of that swing
and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean under-
wear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you some-
thing to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONS - "Will you "look" at the
dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all
that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado
swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled
because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've
told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting
like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less for-
tunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents
like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get
home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it
when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your
spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS - "You're just like your
father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - "Do you think you were born
in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE - "When you get to be my
age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids...
and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

[chester]

Quotes part I
=============
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
(Owen K. Lorian)

Husband to his wife: Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin',
cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work.
(Joan DeGrave)

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't
want to own one.
(W. C. Fields)

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
(Maxi Ma)

Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you
can't live without.
(Anonymous)

Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first
question I ask myself is, Is this the man I want my children to
spend every other weekend with?
(Caboom)

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their pa-
rents.
(Joanna)

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grand children.
(Joanna)

Gentlemen prefer bonds.
(Andrew Mellon)

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a
bed, and is in good health... and he's already used to taking or-
ders.
(Joan DeGrave)

When the government puts teeth in the law, they aren't always wis-
dom teeth.
(Beckie Shiles)

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the
things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done.
(Andy Rooney)

People who have difficulty remembering the slightest incidents
usually have no trouble recalling even the most incidental
slights.
(Mardy Grothe)

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a tho-
roughbred, she will never be an old nag.
(Joan DeGrave)

God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice
as much as you talk.
(Joanna)

Evil doers are in the eye of the beholder.
(Stephen Kramer)

The desire to take medicine is one feature which distinguishes
man, the animal, from the rest of his fellow creatures.
(Sir William Osler)

Always keep your successes in mind during moments of failure and
your past failures in mind during moments of success.
(Mardy Grothe)

 

[Martin]

How the Bible was written
http://www.sumware.com/creation.html

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

 

[Martin]

What happens when you call up a prayer line and tell them scientists are creating a magnetic field to stop Jesus from returning to Earth? Andrew Milne tried it and found out:

My recent experiences have shown that Creationists will believe pretty much anything, so long as it’s not vaguely scientific or logical.

I put in a call to the Word of Faith Christian Center and spoke to a lady who immediately shared my concern when I told her that I had recently heard news of scientists who were creating a magnetic field to stop Jesus from returning to Earth. We prayed together that these scientists be stopped and that atheism be crushed with the full force of God’s hand.

Poor, poor confused woman.

Then Andrew called up again and told a man Obama admitted to being a Muslim:

In another call to the Word of Faith Christian Center, I spoke with a man who seemed confused, at first, when I told him that Barack Obama had just admitted to being a Muslim and performing the Salaat, as he hadn’t heard anything about it.

I then told the man that I was calling from Perth in Western Australia, and the conversation went as follows:

“You’re a day ahead of us… Do you guys get news before us sometimes?”
“Uh, yeah…”
“So we’ll be hearing about this later? Oh what a tremendous revelation that we were deceived!”

Since it had only just happened in Australia (which is “in the future”), he prayed a preventative prayer to stop it happening in the United States.

Creationists, unwilling to accept the fact of evolution, yet willing to believe that the Earth is a giant time machine.

A very good point. Christians are willing to accept completely improbable things like virgin births, miracles, and resurrections without any evidence — then they scoff at people who accept evolution with textbooks full of evidence and insist that “there’s no evidence for evolution!” It’s mind-boggling.

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

:rofl2:

 

[The Curr]

1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Laphroiag, Lagavulin, or Caol Ila).
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

 

[chester]

161 condom slogans PARTI
==================
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud your spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the
ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain

 

[chester]

PARTII

81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

 

[Rollie]

 

[petersmit]

hilarious!!! all of them

 

[IrishZebra]

A plane is travelling from Jordan to San Franciso, There is a very Camp flight attendant on board and he is making everyone have a wonderful flight with jokes etc.
When the plane is coming in to land he says "alright guys time to put those tray tables up up and awaaay".Everybody laughs and puts up their tray table except this one stunning looking Jordan woman.
The Air Steward walks to her aisle seat and says "did you not hear me ? you have to put you tray up now"
the woman scowls at him and says;
"In my country im called princess and nobody is ever to talk to me in such a manner"
The steward smiles and replys:
"well in my country im called a Queen so I out rank you, now put your tray table up bitch!"

 

[chester]

The F-word
==========
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable --

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-Bill Clinton, 1999

AND

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-Osama bin Laden, 2001

 

[chester]

Reasons it's great to be a guy
==============================
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You don't have to monitor your friends' love lives.
* Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
* You can open all your own jars.
* Old friends don't care whether you've lost or gained weight.
* Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
* You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere
you go.
* You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
* Your last name stays put.
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
* If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* Flowers fix everything.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
* You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
* One mood, all the time.
* You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one's just too dirty.
* Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
* Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
* You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* The remote control is yours and yours alone.
* You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
* Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice
anything different?"

 

[Martin]

 

[swag]

Martin, your ambivalence towards management is really showing these days.

 

[Martin]

Martin, your ambivalence towards management is really showing these days.

Too much?

 

[JCK]

Too much Dilbert