Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)

[ReBeL]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, You didn't put any money
in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

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[chester]

Confession
==========
A man went into confession one day. "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned," said the man.

"What have you done?" asked the priest.

"I housed a refugee during the second world war."

"That is not a sin," replied the priest.

"You don't understand," replied the man. "I made him pay rent."

To which the priest replied, "Well, that wasn't very charitable,
but I wouldn't say it's a sin."

"Then, Father, may I ask your opinion of something?"

"Of course," said the priest.

"Should I tell him the war is over?"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Counting the days
=================
A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the
job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days,
hours, and minutes.

Our chief was not amused. "I've been on the job for 43 years, and
I've never counted off the days until I'm outta here," he said to
me.

I couldn't help agreeing with him. "That's because everyone else
is counting for you."

 

[Yamen]

Nice ones here..

 

[The Curr]

Zero Debt

In March 1992 a man living in Newton, near Boston, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake. So he ignored it, and trusted that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

 

[Azzurri7]

A father puts his three year old daughter to bed, Told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy,it just seemed like the thing to do."The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went lik this:"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at ever sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE. He asked "What"?????? She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died."

 

[Martin]

Zero Debt

In March 1992 a man living in Newton, near Boston, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake. So he ignored it, and trusted that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Excellent!

 

[Stephan]

I feel we need to change the title here. Its a jinx. :frown:

 

[Snoop]

Yeah make it the official Juve thread

 

[Sheik Yerbouti]

+1

We've been so terrible, I'm ready to become an Inter fan!

 

[JBF]

A father puts his three year old daughter to bed, Told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy,it just seemed like the thing to do."The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went lik this:"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at ever sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE. He asked "What"?????? She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died."

 

[Henry]

Yeah make it the official Juve thread

Not funny. plus, it could be worse...you could be a Liverpool fan

 

[Mohad]

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If I throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"

Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if I throw ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"

Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."

Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."

 

[JBF]

I would have been happy if that pilot had the guts to do it :depressed

 

[chester]

Thirteen
========
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some jerk then poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, "14...14...14...14."

 

[Martin]

 

[V]

Great.

 

[Darkie]

Martin and Vlatko stay out of this

Q. Which came first, the egg or the chicken












A. ME, I always comes first, I always win,
I am number one, always, first, me , getit..... ME

 

[Darkie]

A woman went to a K-Mart and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it wont work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am whats wrong?'
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

 

[Darkie]

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

 

[Wahdan]

Cut it out Darkie, please.