What do Michael Jackson & Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave kids houses with empty sacks......eww
They both leave kids houses with empty sacks......eww
Buy on AliExpress.com
Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Buy on AliExpress.com
Do these drive you nuts?
========================
1. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the en-
tire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the
tv and change the channel manually.
2. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found
it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?"
No, I actually paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the
floor!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the!??
Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do
that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
========================
1. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the en-
tire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the
tv and change the channel manually.
2. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found
it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?"
No, I actually paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the
floor!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the!??
Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do
that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Top Ten Freak Football Injuries
1. Liam Lawrence
Hurt his ankle after tripping over his dog, ruling him out for three months last season.
2. David James
The England goalkeeper once pulled a muscle in his back when reaching for the TV remote control.
3. Chic Brodie
The Brentford goalkeeper's career came to an abrupt end in October 1970 when he collided with a sheepdog which had run on to the pitch. Brodie shattered his kneecap while the dog got the ball.
4. Kasey Keller
The American international knocked out his front teeth while pulling his golf clubs out of the boot of his car.
5. Alan Wright
The diminutive former Aston Villa full-back strained his knee by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. He subsequently swapped the sports car for a Rover 416.
6. Svein Grondale
The Norway defender had to withdraw from an international during the 1970s after colliding with a moose while out jogging.
7. David Batty
The former Leeds and Blackburn midfielder managed to re-injure his Achilles tendon when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.
8. Darren Barnard
The former Barnsley midfielder was sidelined for five months with a torn knee ligament after he slipped in a puddle of his puppy's urine on the kitchen floor.
9. Alex Stepney
In 1975 the Man United keeper screamed so hard at his team-mates that he broke his jaw.
10. Mistar
The Indonesian footballer was killed aged just 25 by a stampede of pigs which overran his team's training pitch in 1995.
1. Liam Lawrence
Hurt his ankle after tripping over his dog, ruling him out for three months last season.
2. David James
The England goalkeeper once pulled a muscle in his back when reaching for the TV remote control.
3. Chic Brodie
The Brentford goalkeeper's career came to an abrupt end in October 1970 when he collided with a sheepdog which had run on to the pitch. Brodie shattered his kneecap while the dog got the ball.
4. Kasey Keller
The American international knocked out his front teeth while pulling his golf clubs out of the boot of his car.
5. Alan Wright
The diminutive former Aston Villa full-back strained his knee by stretching to reach the accelerator in his new Ferrari. He subsequently swapped the sports car for a Rover 416.
6. Svein Grondale
The Norway defender had to withdraw from an international during the 1970s after colliding with a moose while out jogging.
7. David Batty
The former Leeds and Blackburn midfielder managed to re-injure his Achilles tendon when he was run over by his toddler on a tricycle.
8. Darren Barnard
The former Barnsley midfielder was sidelined for five months with a torn knee ligament after he slipped in a puddle of his puppy's urine on the kitchen floor.
9. Alex Stepney
In 1975 the Man United keeper screamed so hard at his team-mates that he broke his jaw.
10. Mistar
The Indonesian footballer was killed aged just 25 by a stampede of pigs which overran his team's training pitch in 1995.
Blonde Teenage Girl
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe all those dumb blonde jokes.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe all those dumb blonde jokes.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form.
1. Name :__________________________________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #______________________________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________ City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :__________________________________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________ How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________
If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________
When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in
a serpentine fashion is advised. )
I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.
Signature (that means your name, moron)______________________________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if
you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be
notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.
APPLICANT'S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD
Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form.
1. Name :__________________________________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #______________________________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________ City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :__________________________________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
_______________________________________________________________________________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________ How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________
If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________
When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in
a serpentine fashion is advised. )
I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.
Signature (that means your name, moron)______________________________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if
you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be
notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.
APPLICANT'S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD
From Your PM at No 10
10 Downing Street
London SW1
Dear people of the United Kingdom,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much S H I T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of S H I T it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S H I T, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the S H I T you can handle.
Sincerely,
Gordon Brown
10 Downing Street
London SW1
Dear people of the United Kingdom,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much S H I T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of S H I T it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S H I T, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the S H I T you can handle.
Sincerely,
Gordon Brown
Bad eyesight
============
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his reti-
rement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where
it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down,
she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one
more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and
three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight
is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his bro-
ther-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down
the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect
eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
============
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his reti-
rement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where
it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down,
she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one
more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and
three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight
is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his bro-
ther-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down
the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect
eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."
These are genuine clips from Dublin City Council complaint letters
- so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words …
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
>21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
- so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words …
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
>21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
A guy owns a whore house. He's short on girls for the night, so he comes to the conclusion that his customers aren't that smart, and that a blow-up doll in one of the rooms would suffice.
Sure enough later on that night a drunken customer comes in and says, "listen bud, i don't have that much money, but do you think you can cut me a deal?" The shady owner agrees and hands him the key to the room.
5 minutes later the drunken customer comes down the stairs, looking very scared and confused. The owner asks him "what's the problem?" The customer replies, "well.. i don't know. Everything was going great, then i bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."
Sure enough later on that night a drunken customer comes in and says, "listen bud, i don't have that much money, but do you think you can cut me a deal?" The shady owner agrees and hands him the key to the room.
5 minutes later the drunken customer comes down the stairs, looking very scared and confused. The owner asks him "what's the problem?" The customer replies, "well.. i don't know. Everything was going great, then i bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."