What Are You Doing Right Now? (816 Viewers)

[Ali]

I can't bring myself to tell anyone else, not friends, not families, so I will write it here.

My boyfriend and I, after a 2.5 yr relationship had decided to call it off. I wanted marriage, he wanted the same, however is not able to meet my condition to convert to Islam. I have no strength to entertain any "religion is stupid" argument etc., but why it is important to me is not because it is what is required as a Muslim, it is my own personal choice - I was brought up as one, and would like to live in a household that shared the same values. Religions or not, I think couples need to have common, shared values, especially when it comes to raising children.

Anyway on paper he could do it but he has told me he does not think he can live up to my expectations in practice, and he is not comfortable with the idea of raising mus kids in Australia (he is Australian.) So after many rounds of discussions, we both finally grew a pair and called it off after many, many tears.

It is such a shit feeling having to break up when you both really love each other but I don't think love can sustain a marriage and these issues need to be addressed now before it bites us both in the ass in the future (well HAD a future, not anymore I guess.)

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH can't stop crying. Farken can't imagine having to start all over again. We are, were, both each other's everything.

Damn, first and foremost I think you guys did the right thing. To be able to sit and clearly sort out the finer details takes a lot of courage. You might feel like your world is ending right now but both of you have saved each other a lot of heartache. This goes for the kid's too. I feel for you & salute your courage. Hang in there.
PS/Why are you banned?

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Quite clearly that was not the case.

Now is not the time to pick on such petty details.

 

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[Seven]

Now is not the time to pick on such petty details.

I disagree. It is very much the time. When people are heartbroken because they think they have lost the love of their lives, it is time to remind them that perhaps they have not. She sees it as impossible to raise children with this man. Either she made a mistake and mistook the same religion for sharing the same values or she was right in calling it off. If she was right, she clearly has not lost her everything.

 

[Ali]

I disagree. It is very much the time. When people are heartbroken because they think they have lost the love of their lives, it is time to remind them that perhaps they have not. She sees it as impossible to raise children with this man. Either she made a mistake and mistook the same religion for sharing the same values or she was right in calling it off. If she was right, she clearly has not lost her everything.

You have a point but I still believe now is not the right time. When people lose the love of their life (present tense) then they are in a really bad place.

 

[Seven]

You have a point but I still believe now is not the right time. When people lose the love of their life (present tense) then they are in a really bad place.

They are. And we should acknowledge that. But a little bit of rationality often does wonders for the mind in a period of chaos and emotion.

 

[sallyinzaghi]

Figure of speech man. This just happened hours ago give me a break

I understand that with everything else in life, this too shall pass. I have seen it many times, where people break up with their so called 'loves of their lives' and then move on to find someone else.

I just never thought I would end up as one, and boy it's painful as hell right now

 

[Seven]

Figure of speech man. This just happened hours ago give me a break

I understand that with everything else in life, this too shall pass. I have seen it many times, where people break up with their so called 'loves of their lives' and then move on to find someone else.

I just never thought I would end up as one, and boy it's painful as hell right now

See? You're in a better place already .

 

[sallyinzaghi]

See? You're in a better place already .

Don't be fooled by emoticons

Just.. fuck. That's all I can say haha

 

[Seven]

Don't be fooled by emoticons

Just.. fuck. That's all I can say haha

I wasn't. In your first post you lost your everything. In your second you said 'love of their lives' and 'this too shall pass'. Big difference.

 

[Ali]

Don't be fooled by emoticons

Just.. fuck. That's all I can say haha

I feel you. I am here for you

 

[sallyinzaghi]

Geez @Seven you're a tough cookie

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I feel you. I am here for you

thanks. It'd be interesting to know if anyone has ever been on the same boat in the forum.

 

[Ali]

Geez @Seven you're a tough cookie

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thanks. It'd be interesting to know if anyone has ever been on the same boat in the forum.

I was once.

 

[Osman]

Sorry to hear that Sally, good that you know what you want exactly, and that you both could discuss it honestly and make the tough call, its not common and seen lots of heartache down the line with couples that didnt have this talk before hand, hopefully you will not regret it and move past it quickly enough.


Regarding religion, religion and values is not allways the same thing, its a big deal if you are religious, but also quite possible to come to an understanding without sharing one. Most in my family/friends who married non-muslim generally goes the way of them converting (or them finding a convert etc), but also plenty I know who marry a non muslim, who they dont necessarily share the same religious belief but quite defenitely as individuals share the same values and understand what they want completely. Takes alot of comprise and sacrifice and honest dialogue to make it work, but its not impossible to make it work. It depends also on how religious one is, different between being culturally muslim and being strict practizing one ofcourse.

 

[sallyinzaghi]

I was once.

do tell

 

[Seven]

Geez @Seven you're a tough cookie

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I'm not dismissing your emotions. When something like that happens to me, I like to acknowledge my emotions and try and decide whether they have any basis in reality. Although it is impossible to be completely rational at times like these, I find much solace in realising that the pain will pass and that other, almost certainly better things will arrive shortly.

Sometimes I am able to put this simple idea into practice, sometimes I am not.

 

[IliveForJuve]

Can you tell if someone is fat by speaking on the phone?

 

[Martin]

The dude is Australian? It's not one of our weirdo members, is it?

 

[sallyinzaghi]

Sorry to hear that Sally, good that you know what you want exactly, and that you both could discuss it honestly and make the tough call, its not common and seen lots of heartache down the line with couples that didnt have this talk before hand, hopefully you will not regret it and move past it quickly enough.


Regarding religion, religion and values is not allways the same thing, its a big deal if you are religious, but also quite possible to come to an understanding without sharing one. Most in my family/friends who married non-muslim generally goes the way of them converting (or them finding a convert etc), but also plenty I know who marry a non muslim, who they dont necessarily share the same religious belief but quite defenitely as individuals share the same values and understand what they want completely. Takes alot of comprise and sacrifice and honest dialogue to make it work, but its not impossible to make it work. It depends also on how religious one is, different between being culturally muslim and being strict practizing one ofcourse.

I think it depends on the individuals. I know plenty of muslims who don't mind and could accommodate marrying someone who does not practice, I just so happen to not be one of them.. I am quite certain about what I want. Anyway it's not so much of my partner/husband, but I just feel it gets quite complicated when one is fairly religious and the other isn't when it comes to raising kids. I know because I grew up in a similar household where both my parents are polar opposites.

It's not so much about societal/family pressure etc., it is just about what I want, and it is something he is not able to give at the moment. And I would not want to force his hand to do something he is uncomfortable with.

 

[Seven]

Can you tell if someone is fat by speaking on the phone?

Unfortunately you cannot.

 

[sallyinzaghi]

I'm not dismissing your emotions. When something like that happens to me, I like to acknowledge my emotions and try and decide whether they have any basis in reality. Although it is impossible to be completely rational at times like these, I find much solace in realising that the pain will pass and that other, almost certainly better things will arrive shortly.

Sometimes I am able to put this simple idea into practice, sometimes I am not.

I understand. I lost my 18 year old cat last year when she was dying in my room and I had to literally tell myself and imagine that happier days will come. It does work.

 

[Ali]

do tell

Fell in love with a pastor's daughter. Never thought religion would get between us. She just couldn't go through with it. Hurt like a mofo.