BREAKING NEWS: Secretary of Defense Hegseth Accidently Leaks Strike Plans Against SIGNAL IDUNA PARK
Washington DC(Live Breaking News) - Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has reportedly disclosed a war plan for a strike on SIGNAL IDUNA PARK, a stadium in Dortmund, Germany, via a Telegram Chat. The plan was revealed after a chat member named iloveelonandrussiaxoxoxo inadvertently added former UEFA President Michel Platini to the same chat, presumably instead of National Security Advisor Michael Waltz.
Within the body of the chat, Hegseth appears to address the group by saying, "guys, we have to do something about this Signal shit, I can't sleep even after a few Jack and Cokes. The fake media is garbage." After a few moments, Vice President JD Vance responds by saying, "heard bro. what you want to do?" The chat then devolved into a plans for a strike against Signal Iduna Park, a stadium in Dortmund, Germany, which has nothing to do with the Signal Chat scandal rocking the White House this past week.
Full Chat:
Hegseth: guys, we have to do something about this Signal shit, I can't sleep even after a few jack and cokes. The fake media is garbage.
Vance: heard bro, what you want to do?
Hegseth: We need to do a direct strike at 4:02am against a Signal target using a LGM-118 Peacekeeper missile.
iloveelonandrussiaxoxoxo: adds Michel_Platini to chat
Gabbard: Cool, where could we target?
Hegseth: I found this place called Signal Iduna Park, that must be where those Signal assholes leaked our shit with that Atlantic faggot.
Vance: yeah that's got to be it bro.
iloveelonandrussiaxoxoxo: Yaaaaaaay. Can't we use one of those SpaceX rockets??????????????????????????????????????
Hegseth: Sure, I don't care, whatever you want Elon!
Vance: Good talk bros, lets do this.
Hegseth: OK cool, 4:02am strike against Signal Iduna Park. CONFIRMED.
The attack was supposedly thwarted after Michel Platini reported the chat to UEFA and NATO just minutes after being added. NATO launched multiple American made F-16's to surround the German stadium while Chancellor Olaf Scholz used the Nuclear Command NC3 system to directly contact the United States to stop the attack and explain that the park has nothing to do with the communications app.
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