Juvenile joke thread (1 Viewer)

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Bongiovi

Senior Member
Jul 12, 2002
587
A man has tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down,


another man comes and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next


to him.


He replies "The seat is empty."


"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would


have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting


event in the world, and not use it?"


He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to


come with my wife, but she passed away.


This is the first Rugby Final we haven't been to together since we


got married in 1987"


"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you


find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take


the seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
 

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Bongiovi

Senior Member
Jul 12, 2002
587
> At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in
> >tall
> > > and 350lbs.
> > > He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and an obviously
> >gay
> > > man walks in and sits beside him.
> > > After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say
> > > something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:
> > > "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive
> >Merseysider
> > > leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face.
> > > Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of
> > > the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and
> > > returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
> > > A mazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never
> >seen
> > > you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?" I'm not
> > > sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
 

mikhail

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2003
9,576
++ [ originally posted by USA Juventini ] ++
Three friends, Bob , John, and Joe, are hanging out at a local bar, and they're all really drunk. Before they go home, they all agree to meet at the same bar the next day to share any stories they have about what happens to them when they get home.

The next day comes, and all three are in the bar, and they were all looking depressed.

Bob starts off "Man, I was so drunk, when I got home, I saw Maggie walking toward me, and I grabbed her and made love to her for hours until we both fell asleep on the couch."

John then says "Guys, I didn't even make it home. I wrapped my new Porsche around a telephone pole and spent the night in the hospital."

Joe then says "Damn, that's nothing. When I got home,my wife lit up all these candles hoping to have a romantic evening, but I was so smashed that I knocked over the candles and burnt the house down!"

John then says, "well, it goes without saying that Joe definitely had the worst night out of all of us"

Joe says" Yeah, I have to agree"

Joe and John then ask Bob "What do you think, do you agree??"

After about 10 seconds, Bob replies"Umm, Guys, Maggie is the name of my dog."
That also works with three girls, one of whom "blew Chunks" when she got home. Chunks is, of course, her dog.
 

mikhail

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2003
9,576
The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.

- - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50% and finally 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
 

K10

Senior Member
Jul 12, 2002
2,698
1) Why does Totti smell so bad?




......So blind people can hate him too!


2) What does Totti and apples have in common?



.....They both look good hanging from trees.




The real thing is not suppose to be Totti but very racist otherwise.
 

Majed

Senior Member
Jul 17, 2002
9,630
++ [ originally posted by K10 ] ++
1) Why does Totti smell so bad?




......So blind people can hate him too!


2) What does Totti and apples have in common?



.....They both look good hanging from trees.




The real thing is not suppose to be Totti but very racist otherwise.
:thumb:

yeah... i heard the original one before. :groan:
 

Signor

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2002
3,018
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website (and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie).

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not..... oh forget it! Sure,the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it! Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 
Sep 28, 2002
13,975
++ [ originally posted by mikhail ] ++
The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.

:howler: bloody hell, finally i got it...
 

gray

Senior Member
Moderator
Apr 22, 2003
30,198
Vicky,

Joe wanted to go to the show
Eddie wanted to get spaghetti
What's an activity that rhymes with Chuck?

:)
 
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