Funny side of football (15 Viewers)

Chxta

Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
Nov 1, 2004
12,088
#1
Once a day from me when possible, main source: The Fiver.

The Fiver's Scottish cousin, Shortbread McFiver, hasn't been this excited since the time he was lurching down Glasgow's Buchanan Street and spotted 5p at the bottom of a puddle of vomit. Because, fresh from two straight wins, Scotland wobble atop their Euro 2008 qualifying group and the hype surrounding Walter Smith's rabble has reached Ben Nevis heights. Indeed, many Scots are heading into Saturday's clash with France in Hampden Park convinced that they're on the verge of the country's greatest victory since the Battle of Stirling Bridge in 1297, when William Wallace and a puny band of tartan-clad savages whupped 10,000 crack English troops who, ingeniously, had decided to attack via a bridge that they could only cross in twos. Unfortunately for Scotland, even Raymond "Scorpios can't pass" Domenech isn't that bonkers.

One Scot who hasn't let wins over Lithuania and the mighty Faroe Islands go to his head is assistant gaffer Tommy Burns, who today represented that rarest of sounds - a sober voice from the Highlands. "The nation expects us to beat the French and that's why the fans have been knocking each other over to buy tickets - there's no sense of reality attached to the national team," doused Burns before scoffing: "People have to realise we can sometimes be underdogs, even at home ... but in the eyes of the fans we should beat everybody we play."

If those words, combined with the absence through suspension of goal-crazy Kenny "four in 13 games" Miller, haven't scotched the Tartan Army's hopes, then today's news that key midfielder Nigel Quashie has been ruled out through ankle-knack might. Then again, the very fact that Quashie is a key midfielder should have prevented any hopes forming in the first place, which is possibly what master motivator Burns was driving at when he bluntly added: "We have to be aware that they're a better team than us and have better players than us." Ah yes, the famous Scottish fighting spirit
 

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Chxta

Chxta

Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
Nov 1, 2004
12,088
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread Starter #13
    Don't tempt me DB, you know that giving up isn't one of my strong points...

    Ha u dey?
     
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    Chxta

    Chxta

    Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
    Nov 1, 2004
    12,088
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread Starter #14
    From yesterday's Fiver...

    Terrified by reports that Sven-Goran Eriksson could replace Alan Pardew at Upton Park, Javier Mascherano is plotting a move to Serie B strugglers Juventus.
     
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    Chxta

    Chxta

    Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
    Nov 1, 2004
    12,088
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread Starter #15
    In the past two days, the Fiver has been inundated with correspondence from at least four irate Scotland fans hacked off because we failed to mention their [crackle ... static ... interference ... crackle] last Saturday. The accusation was that this was part of the Fiver's usual London-based anti-Scotland bias, when in fact the real reason was that we thought it would be more fun to riff on the searing pain suffered by England at the hands of Macedonia instead.

    ...

    "I'm going to give a speech before the game. What's in it is between me and the players, but it will be along the lines of 'stand up and be counted'" - England captain John Terry, his country's greatest orator since Rir Sobby O'Bobson.



    Jesus, poor Steve Mclaren. The roasting in the papers tomorrow is going to be awful!
     
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    Chxta

    Chxta

    Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
    Nov 1, 2004
    12,088
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread Starter #17
    In today's Fiver:

    Britain's colonial invaders didn't always slaughter or enslave natives. Sometimes the people they came across were so ignorant they'd hand over vast tracts of mineral-rich land in return for a bag of shiny trinkets and a bottle of rum. Which, centuries later, is pretty much what West Ham did in 2004 when they let Jermain Defoe go to Spurs for a puny wad of notes and Bobby Zamora. Defoe had scored 15 goals in 22 appearances for the Hammers that season, and went on to notch 22 in 35 games for his new owners the following campaign. Then, like Steve Coogan, he suddenly became rubbish.

    All sorts of theories have been put forward for Defoe's woes, ranging from Spurs' rotation system to his strange propensity to shoot as soon as he gets the ball regardless of where he is or how many defenders are in front of him. One hypothesis we can definitively dispel, in the light of yesterday's munch on Javier Mascherano, is that Defoe has lost his hunger.

    "It was just a comical nibble," said Spurs boss Tony Soprano of the incident that served as the hors d'oeuvre to a laughable 20-man jostle. "It has been blown way out of proportion," added Defoe shortly after auditioning for the lead role in the next Jaws movie. "When the West Ham player fouled me, I reacted in a bit of a mischievous way," he insisted, adding with a helpless shrug: "my character is a little like that at times."

    As busy-bodies such as sports minister Richard Caborn called for the FA to get its teeth stuck into the matter, Defoe hoped the authorities would swallow his defence, which is based on refereeing competence - a notion almost as outmoded as cannibalism. "The referee was standing right over me and if he felt I had done anything bad, he would have sent me off," he Lectere..., sorry lectured. None of which explains, of course, why he still can't score.
     
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    Chxta

    Chxta

    Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
    Nov 1, 2004
    12,088
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread Starter #18
    In today's Fiver:

    Midfielder Paul Freier almost missed a late call-up for Germany's Euro 2008 qualifier in Cyprus because strangely inefficient German FA blazers didn't know he had changed his phone number since winning his previous cap 20 months ago. He eventually caught up with the squad at the airport after officials contacted his club Bayer Leverkusen.
     
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    Chxta

    Chxta

    Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
    Nov 1, 2004
    12,088
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread Starter #19
    Josep Guardiola today declared his retirement from football, aged 35. "Although in my head I still want to play my body has said enough is enough," explained the former Spain international to bemused hacks who thought he'd quit some time around 2003.
     
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    Chxta

    Chxta

    Onye kwe, Chi ya ekwe
    Nov 1, 2004
    12,088
  • Thread Starter
  • Thread Starter #20
    The Fiver always leaves me in stitches...

    Not since the night your drug-addict, safety-pin-through-the-nose, tatoo-all-over-the-body, teenage Chxta had a doped up rave have the Champions League holders been knocked out in the tournament's group stages. That's right, it's never happened. So tonight in Group A, as thousands of gullible fools languish in Stamford Bridge after handing over up to sixty pints worth of £s for tickets to the dead rubber that is ¢h€£$k¥ v Levski Sofia, European champions Barcelona will be hell-bent on avoiding elimination and an ignominious place in the UEFA Cup, and history books - and to do that, they need to beat German upstarts Werder Bremen.

    Barca's task will, of course, be complicated by the absence of a host of injured stars, including strikers Samuel Eto'o and Javier Saviola, but the good news for the Catalans is that after months of fruitless searching and several frantic APBs from manager Frank Rijkaard, Brazilian playmaker Ronaldinho has at last found his form. After netting with an outrageous overhead kick in a 4-0 demolition of Villarreal 10 days ago, the Brazilian playmaker was rested for Saturday's shoddy draw at Levante in order to ensure he's primed to tear into Werder from the start tonight. "We all know what Ronaldinho is capable of - he's very important to us," gushed Rijkaard, before showing the sort of attention to detail that wowed Nou Camp suits into hiring him in the first place: "But we must not depend only on Ronaldinho because football teams are supposed to have 11 men."

    Bremen, though, will effectively start with 11-and-a-half-men - insofar as the combined height of their starting line-up is an adult torso taller than Barca's bunch of squirts. And that's a factor that hasn't escaped eagle-eyed Rijkaard, who warned: "They're physically strong and have loads of tall guys. We will have to pay attention to that and avoid doing certain things." Such as conceding set-pieces in areas from which the visitors could lob the ball into the box, no doubt. But Werder, of course, are as adept on the ground as they are in the air, which is just as well. Because the last side that went to the Nou Camp and just punted the ball forward to a gangly German suffered nothing but ridicule and scorn. As Robert Huth could confirm.
     

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