Dear Setanta Sports --
This is to inform you that I hate you with unbridled passion. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with you, but then you acquired the exclusive broadcast rights to the Malta-Portugal World Cup 2010 Qualifier today. So all my usual opportunities to watch the match in my home country, RTP International and SPT Television, were blacked out so you could air the match.
And why, after all? Hasn't Portugal NT humiliated the England NT enough in recent years to make your English-obsessed viewers watch someone else? Yes, there's that whole Cristiano Ronaldo thing we can't avoid (and he was injured). But seriously -- what makes Malta-Portugal of such purient interest to your England-obsessed fans?
So I had to watch your broadcast on a pirated Internet feed. And what did I see? It's no exaggeration to say that 85% of your broadcast consisted of a still image, no sound, and a "We're sorry for the technical difficulties" crawl across the screen. Of the four goals scored in the match, I only could witness one of them.
And when I could observe anything on TV, your moronic announcers were espousing the life stories of Malta's keeper because he plays for Sheffield United, or talking about how Ricardo Carvalho was such a fine investment for Chelsea. We wouldn't dare hear anything about Simão's play in Spain, how Raul Meireles has won three consecutive titles in his nation's club championship... oh, no. This is a network devoted to circle jerking about England, the EPL, and nothing more.
And now I learn you also own the exclusive rights to Portugal-Denmark. Which makes me finish with a big FUCK YOU. I hope you and all your families die in horrible, burning car accidents on the freeway while you're choking on the imagined penises of your favorite EPL stars. So please -- hands off the leagues and nations you obviously care little and know nothing about so we can watch and enjoy it.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my opinion about your sports network.
Sincerely --
Swag Valance