Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (39 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
This is one of the more risky ones and is especially for Paolo_Montero!!!!!....as he asked me to post them anyway!!!!
Subject: If men wrote Cosmopolitan!
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this
will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If
you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful
for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The
man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from
being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to
get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best
thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my ****oris is.
A: Your ****oris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,
do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video
tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your
selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the
mood. Abandon all wishes inthis area, and make it up to him by buying a nice
expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him
and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however,
he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.
Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything
under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished
making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out
with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going
out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts
of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel
left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive
gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the ***** matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
***** measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare
and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you
should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything
possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment
and buying him an expensive gift.
Subject: If men wrote Cosmopolitan!
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this
will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If
you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful
for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The
man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from
being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to
get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best
thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my ****oris is.
A: Your ****oris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,
do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video
tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your
selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the
mood. Abandon all wishes inthis area, and make it up to him by buying a nice
expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him
and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however,
he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.
Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything
under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished
making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out
with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going
out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts
of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel
left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive
gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the ***** matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
***** measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare
and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you
should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything
possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment
and buying him an expensive gift.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own stupid blanket."
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own stupid blanket."
