++ [ originally posted by josephine ] ++
check this out
check this out
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
This reminds me of a story I heard today
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:skull: 
A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting
behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when
she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella......
'Mississippi'."
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting
behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when
she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella......
'Mississippi'."
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
> garment on the counter
> "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
> "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies.
> "This time it's mayonnaise
> ********************************************************
> Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
> The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
> She says "I'll take the red one."
> The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
>
> ********************************************************
>
> An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
> bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
> Medic: It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
> questions?
> Girl: "OK"
> Medic: What's your name?
> Girl: Sharon
> Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
> Sharon: Yes
> Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
> Sharon: Romford, mate?
> *********************************************************
> An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
> It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her,
> "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
> wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!
> "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of
> them!"
> *********************************************************
> An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says,Please come over here
> and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
> how to
> get
> it started.?
> Her boyfriend asks, What is it supposed to be when it's finished??
> The girl says, According to the picture on the box, it's a
> tiger.? Her
> boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
> him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the
> table.
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
> to her
> and says,
> "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
> to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd
> advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these
> Frosties
> back in the box.
> *********************************************************
> Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's
> blood everywhere.
> The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
> flat out on the floor.
> Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
> Sharon: Ok
> Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up
> Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down
> **********************************************************
> An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
> notices
> something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
> She says,
> "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one
> of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"
> So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and
> replies,
> "Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me
> roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
> "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers
> 'ave gotC&A on them
> garment on the counter
> "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
> "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies.
> "This time it's mayonnaise
> ********************************************************
> Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
> The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
> She says "I'll take the red one."
> The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
>
> ********************************************************
>
> An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
> bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
> Medic: It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
> questions?
> Girl: "OK"
> Medic: What's your name?
> Girl: Sharon
> Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
> Sharon: Yes
> Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
> Sharon: Romford, mate?
> *********************************************************
> An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
> It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her,
> "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
> wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!
> "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of
> them!"
> *********************************************************
> An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says,Please come over here
> and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
> how to
> get
> it started.?
> Her boyfriend asks, What is it supposed to be when it's finished??
> The girl says, According to the picture on the box, it's a
> tiger.? Her
> boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
> him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the
> table.
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
> to her
> and says,
> "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
> to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd
> advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these
> Frosties
> back in the box.
> *********************************************************
> Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's
> blood everywhere.
> The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
> flat out on the floor.
> Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
> Sharon: Ok
> Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up
> Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down
> **********************************************************
> An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
> notices
> something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
> She says,
> "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one
> of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"
> So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and
> replies,
> "Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me
> roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
> "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers
> 'ave gotC&A on them
True Story at Denver Airport
This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate
agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
------------------------------------------------
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"
Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too"
This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
It's a classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate
agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
------------------------------------------------
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"
Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too"
>A Jewish man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask
>over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and
>hands.
>
>"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
>Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
>your face and hands."
>
>He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
>
>Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face
>and hands."
>
>The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so
>marched over to inquire what was wrong.
>
>"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
>
>Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back
>the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his ***** out of
>the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the
>bedclothes and announced, "I can't see anything wrong with them!!!"
>
>At this the Jewish man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
>
> ...."Are my test results back???"
>
>over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and
>hands.
>
>"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
>Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
>your face and hands."
>
>He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
>
>Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face
>and hands."
>
>The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so
>marched over to inquire what was wrong.
>
>"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
>
>Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back
>the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his ***** out of
>the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the
>bedclothes and announced, "I can't see anything wrong with them!!!"
>
>At this the Jewish man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
>
> ...."Are my test results back???"
>
This ones a bit rude, but funny....
>The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he
>was
>walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his
> >congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't
>happy. He
>walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
>woman.
>
>"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of
>my
>congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
>
>"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs
>Fitzgerald
>stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The
>reverend
>realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms
>to
>steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to
>the
>floor.
>
>After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top
>of
>Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
>
>The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any
>of that
>carrying on in this pub."
>
>The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
>understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
>
>The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you
>might
>as well finish."
>
>
>The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he
>was
>walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his
> >congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't
>happy. He
>walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
>woman.
>
>"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of
>my
>congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
>
>"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs
>Fitzgerald
>stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The
>reverend
>realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms
>to
>steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to
>the
>floor.
>
>After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top
>of
>Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
>
>The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any
>of that
>carrying on in this pub."
>
>The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
>understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
>
>The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you
>might
>as well finish."
>
>
