Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Since you guys seemed to like the Horse chick joke, here's another Pen!s joke....
Pen!s TAX
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the Pen!s.
This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 1, 2003, Pen!ses will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-9" Pole Tax
5"-7" Privilege Tax
2"-4" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Pen!s TAX
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the Pen!s.
This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 1, 2003, Pen!ses will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-9" Pole Tax
5"-7" Privilege Tax
2"-4" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Great jokes so far, :thumb: I hope not to be too bad now.
The Prime Minister has a meeting with a notary for a consult. The meeting end up after 20 minutes and the notary take an envelope with the invoice and he give it to the PM. The PM keep the conversation with the notary and elegantly put the envelope on the pocket without looking at it.
When the PM finally get at home, he open the envelope and couldn’t believe at his eyes, the charge was for € 10.000 !
So the PM fill the check and send it in an envelope with a letter, where he wrote:
-This is the check for your invoice, but I reckon, this money is a thief one.
When the notary get that letter, he read it and write another letter himself:
-Thanks for the check, and don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone the source of it !
The Prime Minister has a meeting with a notary for a consult. The meeting end up after 20 minutes and the notary take an envelope with the invoice and he give it to the PM. The PM keep the conversation with the notary and elegantly put the envelope on the pocket without looking at it.
When the PM finally get at home, he open the envelope and couldn’t believe at his eyes, the charge was for € 10.000 !
So the PM fill the check and send it in an envelope with a letter, where he wrote:
-This is the check for your invoice, but I reckon, this money is a thief one.
When the notary get that letter, he read it and write another letter himself:
-Thanks for the check, and don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone the source of it !
A bunch of first-year medical students were receiving their first anatomy
>class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
>table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the
>class by telling them, "It is absolutely necessary to have two important
>qualities as a Doctor of Medicine: the first is that you're not disgusted
>by anything involving the human body."
>
>For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, rolled the body over
>and stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it
>in his mouth.
>
>"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.
>The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
>took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
>it.
>
>When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The
>second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
>and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"
>
>
>
>class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
>table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the
>class by telling them, "It is absolutely necessary to have two important
>qualities as a Doctor of Medicine: the first is that you're not disgusted
>by anything involving the human body."
>
>For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, rolled the body over
>and stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it
>in his mouth.
>
>"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.
>The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
>took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
>it.
>
>When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The
>second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
>and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"
>
>
>
Dudley Earthquake Appeal
A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT IN THE EARLY
HOURS OF MONDAY 23RD SEPTEMBER 2002 EPICENTERED ON DUDLEY, WEST
MIDLANDS
Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering : "Yam Orwight?",
"Boing Boing" and "Bostin". The Earthquake decimated the area, causing
approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of
mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged. Three
areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused
and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting has happened in Dudley
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said
"It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
* HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate
enough to be caught up in it.
Clothing is most sought after.
Items required include: -
Flat caps
Donkey Jackets
Heavy Twill Trousers (Male)
Shell Suits (Female)
Boots.
Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: -
Faggots
Grey Peas
Pork Scratchings
Tripe and Onions
"Pigs Blood Pud"
Banks's Bitter or Mild
£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play
on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging
nettles 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is
unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Gornal, Oldbury and
Sedgley.
A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT IN THE EARLY
HOURS OF MONDAY 23RD SEPTEMBER 2002 EPICENTERED ON DUDLEY, WEST
MIDLANDS
Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering : "Yam Orwight?",
"Boing Boing" and "Bostin". The Earthquake decimated the area, causing
approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of
mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged. Three
areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused
and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting has happened in Dudley
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said
"It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
* HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate
enough to be caught up in it.
Clothing is most sought after.
Items required include: -
Flat caps
Donkey Jackets
Heavy Twill Trousers (Male)
Shell Suits (Female)
Boots.
Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: -
Faggots
Grey Peas
Pork Scratchings
Tripe and Onions
"Pigs Blood Pud"
Banks's Bitter or Mild
£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play
on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging
nettles 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is
unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Gornal, Oldbury and
Sedgley.
> > > Frank has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
> > > has
> > > finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
> > > After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an
> > > old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free
> > > from
> > > rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar
> > > of
> > Vaseline
> > > handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything
> > > will
be
> > > fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
> > > A few months later, Frank meets a woman and falls in love.
> > > She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He
> > > readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he
> > > picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.
> > Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition
> > > that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
> > > After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for
> > > the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the
> > > dishes.
> > After a long fifteen minutes, Frank decides to speed things up, so
> > > he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
> > > No one says a word.
> > > Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her
> > > breasts.
> > > Still no one says a word.
> > > Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front
> > > of
> > > everyone.
> > > No one says a word.
> > > Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her Mother and throws HER
> > > on the table. They have even wilder sex.
> > > Still no one speaks.
> > > By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the
> > > distance.
> > > His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he
> > > gets
> > > his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
> > > Vaseline.
> > > The Father quickly shouts, "Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes!"
> > > has
> > > finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
> > > After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an
> > > old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free
> > > from
> > > rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar
> > > of
> > Vaseline
> > > handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything
> > > will
be
> > > fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
> > > A few months later, Frank meets a woman and falls in love.
> > > She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He
> > > readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he
> > > picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house.
> > Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition
> > > that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
> > > After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for
> > > the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the
> > > dishes.
> > After a long fifteen minutes, Frank decides to speed things up, so
> > > he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
> > > No one says a word.
> > > Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her
> > > breasts.
> > > Still no one says a word.
> > > Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front
> > > of
> > > everyone.
> > > No one says a word.
> > > Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her Mother and throws HER
> > > on the table. They have even wilder sex.
> > > Still no one speaks.
> > > By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the
> > > distance.
> > > His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he
> > > gets
> > > his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
> > > Vaseline.
> > > The Father quickly shouts, "Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes!"
> Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young
> newlywed
> couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special
> requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for
> two
> weeks. The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
>
> The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain
>
> from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all,
> Pastor."
> Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
>
> The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well,
> were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied,
> "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the
> couch
> for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
> "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
>
> The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
> able
> to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
> "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the
> young
> man replied sadly.
> "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
> "My wife was reaching for a tin of beans on the top shelf and dropped it.
> When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took heavy
>
> advantage of her right there and then."
>
> "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
> church," stated the pastor.
>
> "We know." said the young man, sadly "We're not welcome at Tesco anymore
> either."
>
> newlywed
> couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special
> requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for
> two
> weeks. The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
>
> The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain
>
> from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all,
> Pastor."
> Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
>
> The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well,
> were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied,
> "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the
> couch
> for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
> "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
>
> The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
> able
> to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
> "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the
> young
> man replied sadly.
> "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
> "My wife was reaching for a tin of beans on the top shelf and dropped it.
> When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took heavy
>
> advantage of her right there and then."
>
> "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
> church," stated the pastor.
>
> "We know." said the young man, sadly "We're not welcome at Tesco anymore
> either."
>
