Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink.
He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"
An American soldier came running to a fork in the road and found a nun ..
Breathless, he asked:
- Please, sister, I can not hide beneath her skirts for a moment, I explain to you why later.
A moment later two Military Police soldiers come running and ask the nun:
- Sister, you saw a soldier who ran?
The nun replied:
- He went that way!
After the two officers disappeared around the bend, the soldier came under his habit of Nun and said:
- I can not thank you enough Sister, but I do not want to go to Iraq ...
The sister replies:
- I think I can fully understand your fear.
The soldier then said:
- I hope you do not find me rude or impertinent, but you have a nice pair of legs ...
When the nun said:
- If you had looked further up would have seen a nice pair of eggs ... I also do not want to go to Iraq...
Breathless, he asked:
- Please, sister, I can not hide beneath her skirts for a moment, I explain to you why later.
A moment later two Military Police soldiers come running and ask the nun:
- Sister, you saw a soldier who ran?
The nun replied:
- He went that way!
After the two officers disappeared around the bend, the soldier came under his habit of Nun and said:
- I can not thank you enough Sister, but I do not want to go to Iraq ...
The sister replies:
- I think I can fully understand your fear.
The soldier then said:
- I hope you do not find me rude or impertinent, but you have a nice pair of legs ...
When the nun said:
- If you had looked further up would have seen a nice pair of eggs ... I also do not want to go to Iraq...
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140502416/o/
Scroll down to Customer Reviews, "By John E. Fracisco"
Scroll down to Customer Reviews, "By John E. Fracisco"
A executive had to take a business trip overseas, so he entrusted his assistant with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, the assistant was to notify him immediately. After a week with no contact, the businessman received an e-mail that read, "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday."
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
A terrific explosion took place in a gunpowder factory. Once all the mess had been cleared up, an inquiry began. One of the survivors was being interviewed about the cause of the blast.
"Okay, Simpson, you were near the scene. What happened?"
"Well, it's like this, sir. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"Charley Higgins was smoking in the mixing room?!? Do you know how long he had been with the company?"
"I think it was about twenty years, wasn't it?"
"Yes. Twenty years in the company and he went and struck a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought something like that would be the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir," he said sadly, "it was."
"Okay, Simpson, you were near the scene. What happened?"
"Well, it's like this, sir. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"Charley Higgins was smoking in the mixing room?!? Do you know how long he had been with the company?"
"I think it was about twenty years, wasn't it?"
"Yes. Twenty years in the company and he went and struck a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought something like that would be the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir," he said sadly, "it was."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So do 24 cans of Budweiser... and at half the price!”
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So do 24 cans of Budweiser... and at half the price!”
There was a man who got a job as a hotel receptionist and his boss was giving him some tips the day before his very first shift on the phone. One of the tips was 'When showing the guests to their rooms, always be polite and say their names which is usually situated on the label on their suitcases.'
After hearing this, he started his job the next day and led his first guests to their room. Remembering what his boss said, he looked at the label on their suitcase and said, "Welcome to our hotel, we hope you enjoy your stay Mr. and Mrs. Real Leather!"
After hearing this, he started his job the next day and led his first guests to their room. Remembering what his boss said, he looked at the label on their suitcase and said, "Welcome to our hotel, we hope you enjoy your stay Mr. and Mrs. Real Leather!"
The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer."
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay! bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."