Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (1 Viewer)

[Martin]

STELLA AWARDS

The "Stella" Awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonald's.This case inspired an annual award for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The following are this year's candidates:

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little kid was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation; Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.He sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in a fenced-in yard.The award was less than the amount sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been provoked at the time by Mr. Williams-who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room,to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.

7. And the winner is: Ma Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home.On his first trip on the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Martin]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

[Martin]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. They'll tease you!
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandmom's lap.

 

[Martin]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH IF...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos".

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

 

[Martin]

BANK LETTER

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

 

[Martin]

HOLIDAY GREETINGS FROM YOUR ATTORNEY

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make United States great (not to imply that United States is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of asubsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian-Islamic celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

Your Faithful and Loving Attorney

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

P.S. As a courtesy discount, I will only bill you half my usual hourly rate for the creation and revision of the
above-referenced greeting. Of course, any appropriate or inappropriate out-of-pocket expenses will be added to the bill.

Happy Holidays to all.

 

[Martin]

COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR STUDENT ATHLETES

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army, or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush: __________________________
Carter: __________________________
Clinton: __________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

Signed _______________________

 

[Signor]

WEIGHT WATCHERS
A chubby woman was at her Weight Watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he'd rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the other woman replied, "what's wrong with that?" The first woman said, "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

ANOTHER WOMAN
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says, "But it kept me from finishing too fast."

SOYBEANS
Q: What do a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A: They're both used as a meat substitute.

HOLY COW
A farmer was arrested and sent to trial for having sex with one of his cows. During the arraignment, the judge looks at him with disgust and asks, "Son, what the hell were you thinking?" "Well," says the farmer, "I reckon I was thinking about a younger, hotter cow."

MOTHER-IN-LAW
A cannibal turns to his buddy at dinner and says, "You know, I really hate my mother-in-law." His friend says, "Hey, no big deal, just eat the vegetables!"

BACK SWING
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

THREE MUGS
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it from the beer tap. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, I have two brothers. One's in Australia, the other's in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits this is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to pry, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church so I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though."

MORE BAD NEWS
This guy goes to see his doctor. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the doc. "OK," says the patient, "give me the good news first." "Well," says the doctor, "they're going to name a disease after you!"

AIRPORT FLASHER
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. The suspicious man opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

ATHEIST AND THE BEAR
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees, what a powerful river, what beautiful animals," he thought. As he walked, he heard rustling behind him. Turning, he saw a 13-foot tall brown bear charging toward him. The man ran as fast as he could, but the bear was rapidly closing on him. He tried to run faster yet, but tripped and fell. The bear was right over him, raising its paw to strike, and he yelled, "Oh, my God!" Suddenly, time froze. The bear froze. The forest was silent. A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from above, "You deny my existence all these years, and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" The atheist looked into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said God. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped onto its knees, brought its paws together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive. Amen."

CRISCO
A man is wandering around a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Crisco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named Crisco?" the clerk asks. "No," he answered, "That's the name I use for her when we're in public. " "What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" asks the clerk. "Lard ass."

HOMEWORK
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something useful." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him for dinner. She opens his door and sees him playing with himself. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."

BIKINIS
Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

NORMAL SEX LIFE
When the surgeon came to see his young blonde female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. The doctor asked, "What's wrong?" "Well, this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?" The doctor paused for a minute and appeared stunned. After a few minutes, the doctor stated, "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

FRAMED PHOTO
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured. "No, no," she said. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

POLISH SAUSAGE
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Would you, huh? Would you?" The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no." The guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

For more jokes just visit : http://www.dribbleglass.com

 

[Layce Erayce]

hey heard of the juvenile joke thread? :groan:

 

[Henry]

++ [ originally posted by Alex ] ++
Things that pi$$ me off! Warning: Strong language.

From www.lotsofjokes.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*ck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

:LOL:::LOL:::LOL:::LOL:: excellent!!

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No d*ck nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the f*cking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know a$$hole, you f*cking pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What? Are they going to f*cking do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's a goddamn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here a$$hole!

 

[Henry]

:LOL:::LOL:::LOL:::LOL:: excellent!

accidently put it in the middle of the fecking quote

 

[Majed]

:LOL: :thumb:

 

[Henry]

++ [ originally posted by Alex ] ++
STELLA AWARDS

The "Stella" Awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonald's.This case inspired an annual award for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The following are this year's candidates:

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little kid was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing, by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation; Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.He sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in a fenced-in yard.The award was less than the amount sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been provoked at the time by Mr. Williams-who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room,to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.

7. And the winner is: Ma Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home.On his first trip on the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

thats hillarious!!!!!!!! :LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:

 

[Henry]

++ [ originally posted by Alex ] ++
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH IF...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos".

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

haha!!!!!! thats great!!!!! BANG ON!

 

[Henry]

++ [ originally posted by Paranoia ] ++
i love this one
---------------------------------------
Hollywood Lessons


It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:

 

[gray]

Argghhh too many at once, guys! Give us some time to read and absorb :stress:

 

[Bongiovi]

Dear Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two cats in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The house was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to where I am going is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but catty sarcasm.

There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to scratch, meow or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, feline attendance is not needed.

The proper order is lick my face, then go lick your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

*******************************************************

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About The Cats:
1. The cats live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people
4. To you, they're cats. To me, they're an adopted sons and daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly
5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the kittens.

 

[Meow]

for the first part.....


for the last paragraph....

 

[Slagathor]

I just witnessed the FUNNIEST commercial EVER!

Alright, so picture this: you're a German company selling typically German food. You want to export your products to The Netherlands but ... well ... national sentiment isn't on your side. So you have to come up with a pretty damn good marketing campaign and this is the commercial you go with:

An American family are at the dinner table, eating a typical German dish. Easy to make and with a good taste still.

Mother "Wow, this is really good food. And SO easy to make!"
Little girl "Yeah, mummy, you're the best cook every."
Mother "You don't have to be a good cook to prepare this food, honey"

Mother picks up box that contained the food.

Mother (reads out loud) "Made in Germany"

Little boy "Daddy, what's a Germany?"
Father "It's that little country next to The Netherlands, son!"

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Haha, YES!

 

[Martin]