Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby. Especially if you’re in Portugal and can’t be bothered to pay for a babysitter.
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Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (7 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
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A comedy show on North Korean TV has the distinction of being one of the longest-running in the world, although there's very little that's actually funny in it.
Following are some jokes from North Korean defectors compiled by Radio Free Asia, a US-government affiliated broadcaster for the region:
- An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a chat. The Englishman says: "I feel happiest when I'm at home, my wool pants on, sitting in front of the fireplace."
The Frenchman, a ladies' man, says: "You English people are so conventional. I feel happiest when I go to a Mediterranean beach with a beautiful blonde-haired woman, and we do what we've got to do on the way back."
The North Korean man says: "In the middle of the night, the secret police knock on the door, shouting: Kang Sung-Mee, you're under arrest! And I say, Kang Sung-Mee doesn't live here, but right next door! That's when we're happiest!"
- Chang Man Yong works on a collective farm in North Korea. He goes fishing, gets lucky, and brings a fish home. Happy about his catch, he tells his wife: "Look what I've got. Shall we eat fried fish today?"
The wife says: "We've got no cooking oil!"
"Shall we stew it, then?"
"We've got no pot!"
"Shall we grill it?"
"We've got no firewood!"
Chang Man Yong gets angry, goes back to the river, and throws the fish back into the water.
The fish, happy to have had such a narrow escape, sticks its head out of the water and cheerfully yells: "Long live General Kim Jong Il!"
- Two men are talking on a Pyongyang subway train:
"How are you, comrade?"
"Fine, how are you doing?"
"Comrade, by any chance, do you work for the Central Committee of the Workers' Party?"
"No, I don't."
"Have you worked for the Central Committee before?"
"No, I haven't."
"Then, are any of your family members working for the Central Committee?"
"Nope."
"Then, get away from me! You're standing on my foot!"
- Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow.
During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal.
Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: "Ivan, jump!"
Sobbing, Ivan says: "Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home"
Putin sheds a tear himself, apologises to Ivan, and sends him away.
Next, it's Kim Jong Il's turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: "Lee Myung Man, jump!"
Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window.
Putin grabs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: "Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you'll die! This is the 20th floor!"
Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin's embrace and jump out the window: "Mr. Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!"
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- At High School No. 1 in Pyongyang, a girl brags to her teacher about the cat she's got at home: "Our cat has just given birth to seven kittens. All of them just stick close to their mother, they feel really comfortable, and sleep all the time. They're all true communists."
A few days later, the teacher asks the girl: "Are the communist kittens at home growing up nicely?"
The girl says: "Comrade teacher, big trouble! They've all opened their eyes, and they've all renounced communism!"
- Chinese, Russian, Japanese, American, and North Korean police officers gather and decide to assess their investigative capacity.
Under the watchful eye of their supervisors, each team gets a mouse, then lets it loose, and the mouse runs up a big mountain.
The winning team is the one that manages to catch and bring back the mouse in the shortest time.
The Chinese police employ human wave tactics, combing every square inch on the mountain in their thousands.
They capture and return the mouse after only one day's search.
The Japanese policemen use a smell detector, and after only half a day, they detect the mouse hole, search it, catch the mouse and bring it back.
The Russian cops send a robot equipped with a heat-seeking device up the mountain.
The robot locates all the mammals on the mountain and after only three hours the Russians capture and bring back the mouse.
The only ones left now are the American and North Korean police officers.
The Americans use a satellite signal device to locate the mouse, and then send in a mechanical gadget that looks like a snake gliding up the mountain.
The gadget gets into the mouse hole, catches the mouse and brings it back after only one hour.
The North Koreans are last.
Although the supervisors are watching, none of them makes a move, there is no brainstorming, and no one comes up with a plan of action, nothing at all.
After only about 10 minutes, a few North Korean police officers show up dragging a dog before the supervisors, saying they've found the mouse.
All the supervisors are puzzled: "What are you doing? It is not a dog you were supposed to catch! Weren't you supposed to catch a mouse?"
Instead of answering, the North Korean cops drag the dog through the dirt and repeatedly kick it in the ribs.
The sobbing dog suddenly starts to talk: "Stop, stop, please stop! Yes, I confess, I'm a mouse! I'm a mouse, please concede that I'm a mouse, or else they're going to kill me!"
Following are some jokes from North Korean defectors compiled by Radio Free Asia, a US-government affiliated broadcaster for the region:
- An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a chat. The Englishman says: "I feel happiest when I'm at home, my wool pants on, sitting in front of the fireplace."
The Frenchman, a ladies' man, says: "You English people are so conventional. I feel happiest when I go to a Mediterranean beach with a beautiful blonde-haired woman, and we do what we've got to do on the way back."
The North Korean man says: "In the middle of the night, the secret police knock on the door, shouting: Kang Sung-Mee, you're under arrest! And I say, Kang Sung-Mee doesn't live here, but right next door! That's when we're happiest!"
- Chang Man Yong works on a collective farm in North Korea. He goes fishing, gets lucky, and brings a fish home. Happy about his catch, he tells his wife: "Look what I've got. Shall we eat fried fish today?"
The wife says: "We've got no cooking oil!"
"Shall we stew it, then?"
"We've got no pot!"
"Shall we grill it?"
"We've got no firewood!"
Chang Man Yong gets angry, goes back to the river, and throws the fish back into the water.
The fish, happy to have had such a narrow escape, sticks its head out of the water and cheerfully yells: "Long live General Kim Jong Il!"
- Two men are talking on a Pyongyang subway train:
"How are you, comrade?"
"Fine, how are you doing?"
"Comrade, by any chance, do you work for the Central Committee of the Workers' Party?"
"No, I don't."
"Have you worked for the Central Committee before?"
"No, I haven't."
"Then, are any of your family members working for the Central Committee?"
"Nope."
"Then, get away from me! You're standing on my foot!"
- Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow.
During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal.
Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: "Ivan, jump!"
Sobbing, Ivan says: "Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home"
Putin sheds a tear himself, apologises to Ivan, and sends him away.
Next, it's Kim Jong Il's turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: "Lee Myung Man, jump!"
Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window.
Putin grabs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: "Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you'll die! This is the 20th floor!"
Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin's embrace and jump out the window: "Mr. Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!"
Advertisement
- At High School No. 1 in Pyongyang, a girl brags to her teacher about the cat she's got at home: "Our cat has just given birth to seven kittens. All of them just stick close to their mother, they feel really comfortable, and sleep all the time. They're all true communists."
A few days later, the teacher asks the girl: "Are the communist kittens at home growing up nicely?"
The girl says: "Comrade teacher, big trouble! They've all opened their eyes, and they've all renounced communism!"
- Chinese, Russian, Japanese, American, and North Korean police officers gather and decide to assess their investigative capacity.
Under the watchful eye of their supervisors, each team gets a mouse, then lets it loose, and the mouse runs up a big mountain.
The winning team is the one that manages to catch and bring back the mouse in the shortest time.
The Chinese police employ human wave tactics, combing every square inch on the mountain in their thousands.
They capture and return the mouse after only one day's search.
The Japanese policemen use a smell detector, and after only half a day, they detect the mouse hole, search it, catch the mouse and bring it back.
The Russian cops send a robot equipped with a heat-seeking device up the mountain.
The robot locates all the mammals on the mountain and after only three hours the Russians capture and bring back the mouse.
The only ones left now are the American and North Korean police officers.
The Americans use a satellite signal device to locate the mouse, and then send in a mechanical gadget that looks like a snake gliding up the mountain.
The gadget gets into the mouse hole, catches the mouse and brings it back after only one hour.
The North Koreans are last.
Although the supervisors are watching, none of them makes a move, there is no brainstorming, and no one comes up with a plan of action, nothing at all.
After only about 10 minutes, a few North Korean police officers show up dragging a dog before the supervisors, saying they've found the mouse.
All the supervisors are puzzled: "What are you doing? It is not a dog you were supposed to catch! Weren't you supposed to catch a mouse?"
Instead of answering, the North Korean cops drag the dog through the dirt and repeatedly kick it in the ribs.
The sobbing dog suddenly starts to talk: "Stop, stop, please stop! Yes, I confess, I'm a mouse! I'm a mouse, please concede that I'm a mouse, or else they're going to kill me!"
Ian Holloway quotes
"He's six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking - he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster - That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock's massive." - talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.
"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee"
- on the "ugly" win against Chesterfield. This is perhaps Holloway's most famous quote.
"I have such bad luck at the moment that if I fell in a barrel of boobs I'd come out sucking my thumb."
"We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we'd have dealt with County's first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands."
- after a defeat against Notts County.
"I don't see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they'd have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin."
- about the new rule restricting footballers from removing their shirts during a match.
"It was a bit cheeky wasn't it? But I don't think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he'd turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. (...) If anybody's offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything."
- on Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton mooning Everton fans
"There was a woman in it who was quite well-endowed and two boys who used to get drunk and have a fight - it had everything for me."
- on Dukes Of Hazzard.
" He's a complete fruitcake, that bloke, isn't he? We've got to be careful with him, he's after the old crazy mantle and he's going to win it hands down."
- on Stephen Ireland
"He's six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking - he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster - That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock's massive." - talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.
"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee"
- on the "ugly" win against Chesterfield. This is perhaps Holloway's most famous quote.
"I have such bad luck at the moment that if I fell in a barrel of boobs I'd come out sucking my thumb."
"We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we'd have dealt with County's first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands."
- after a defeat against Notts County.
"I don't see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they'd have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin."
- about the new rule restricting footballers from removing their shirts during a match.
"It was a bit cheeky wasn't it? But I don't think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he'd turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. (...) If anybody's offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything."
- on Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton mooning Everton fans
"There was a woman in it who was quite well-endowed and two boys who used to get drunk and have a fight - it had everything for me."
- on Dukes Of Hazzard.
" He's a complete fruitcake, that bloke, isn't he? We've got to be careful with him, he's after the old crazy mantle and he's going to win it hands down."
- on Stephen Ireland
