Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)

[Dragula]

young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.





On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.. so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.





A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbah 69."


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Dragula]

A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, "come again".
The blonde stops and says, "no, it's mustard this time".

 

[Dragula]

little johnny normal teacher was absent from school one day so the substitute teacher was assigned to his class....

the sub teacher walks in and says " good morning class my name is Miss PRUSSY"......"remember it has an "R" in it".....


the next few days the normal teacher resumes classes like normal and then the very next day the substitute teacher was back.

the sub teacher walks in and says" good morning class..who can remember my name?".....and remember it has an "R" in it..."

little johnny hand shot up in an instant......thinking for a bit and looking at her with a straight face he said " Miss CRUNT"......

 

[BillyG]

Yeah i feel sorry for the person trying to find classy jokes here.

yeah...like me!!! :depressed

 

[blondu]

AL Son, have I told you not to marry?

BUD Yeah, Dad.

AL Good. Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?

BUD Yeah, Dad.

AL Well, I just I've told you everything I know then. Son, what do you want to be
when you grow up?

BUD Well...

AL (cutting him off) See, I wanted to be a football player. (POINTS TO BUCK) Now I
just wanna be like him. Sure, you have to eat a bowl full of the private parts
of horses, but... then you go to the bathroom on the lawn and someone says you
did good! That's all I wanted. To lie in the sun, run in the grass, see a good
looking bitch through a chain link fence... Ah, what's the use, it'll never
happen. (SINGS) Dog is an animal with big floppy ears. (BREAKS DOWN) Oh God.

(HE HANGS HIS HEAD. KELLY COMES OVER)

KELLY What's with Dad?

BUD He's having the dog dream again.

KELLY (patting Al's head) Good boy.

(AL SITS UP AND LETS HIS TONGUE HANG OUT)

 

[mikhail]

Married with Children. I loved that as a kid.

 

[Red]

This was posted by a guy on an Aberdeen FC forum:

When girls don't put out!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[icemaη]

Heard that one before, but its still funny

 

[JBF]

Greatness, now I've more respect to those goat/sheep/cow loving fans

 

[SABSAB]

 

[Fred]

This was posted by a guy on an Aberdeen FC forum:

When girls don't put out!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Great stuff

 

[Alen]

This was posted by a guy on an Aberdeen FC forum:

Respect to you

 

[JCK]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Feck off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

[Martin]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Feck off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

[icemaη]

Code comments seen in source code ......

1.
/// <remarks>
/// The point of this is to work around his poor design so that paging will
/// work on a mobile control. The main problem is the BindCompany() method,
/// which he hoped would be able to do everything. I hope he dies.
/// </remarks>

2.

// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife, Darlene, who will
// have to support me and our three children and the dog once it gets
// released into the public.

3.

// Magic. Do not touch.

4.

return 1; // returns 1

5.

/* This is O(scary), but seems quick enough in practice. */

6.

/*
* You may think you know what the following code does.
* But you dont. Trust me.
* Fiddle with it, and youll spend many a sleepless
* night cursing the moment you thought youd be clever
* enough to "optimize" the code below.
* Now close this file and go play with something else.
*/

7.

//When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
//Now, God only knows

 

[The Curr]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

 

[The Curr]

I got arrested in B&Q yesterday for punching Naomi Campbell. It wasn't my fault, my dad told me to go in and get a black and decker.

(You probably won't get this one).

 

[Hust]

A man walks into a bar..........























Ouch.

 

[The Curr]

Scouser sitting in a bar in Belfast. A gay guy is eyeing him up from across the bar and finally plucks up the courage to approach the scouser. 'Fancy a blowjob?' he whispers. The scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the man to a pulp before throwing him out the door. 'Jesus, that was rough' says the barman, 'what did he say to you?' The scouser replies 'Dunno, something about a job'

 

[The Curr]

A teenage lad returns home late from school at about 7pm, and his mother goes a bit mental "Where have you been?" she yells, "Your tea has been ready ages!!!" "Sorry mum, I was just round at Jessica's, revising", he says. The boy picks up a snack from the table "MMMMM, these fish cakes are lovely!" And the dad says "Go wash your hands son... those are donuts".