Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)

[gray]

he inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" >God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied
God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[gray]

Why is Ronaldinho such a good lover?

Because he can lob seaman from 40 yards (read it out loud)

 

[Zlatan]

++ [ originally posted by [LAC] ] ++


i got them from my email. (meaning you have no life besides reading jokes online)

 

[Zlatan]

++ [ originally posted by gray ] ++
Three thieves: Gray, GOAT and deej die and go to heaven. God says "I'll give you another chance and send you back to Earth, but as soon as you do one bad thing, you're coming straight back here."

So they're walking along... they pass a jewellery shop, and GOAT notices that nobody's inside. He opens one of the glass cases and reaches for a diamond ring. As soon as he touches it, *whoosh* he shoots straight up into the sky...

So gray and deej are left....

While they're walking along, they both see a wallet lying on the ground. Gray bends over to pick it up, and *whoosh* deej shoots straight up into the sky..

(don't ask if u don't get it)

:LOL:

I get it but I have a different version of it (better if i might add )

 

[gray]

++ [ originally posted by G_O_A_T ] ++

I get it but I have a different version of it (better if i might add )

hehe yeah u prolly do, i heard that one ages ago and i just tried to remember it... u should be grateful that i picked deej instead of you this time Your turn next :devil:

 

[Zlatan]

You're right, thank you

 

[Dj Juve]

really, is that the best you people can come up with

 

[gray]

What did the normal baby say to the test tube baby?


















Your dad's a wanker

 

[Dj Juve]

that must be one of those things some1 said to you that you just cant forget rite?

 

[gray]

har dee har har deej... sif it wasn't a good one

Here's a stupid one:

What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?










Where's popcorn?

 

[Dj Juve]

this one's from a movie, modified



papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato were walking one day..after awhile the baby tomato started to fall behind..the papa tomato got pissed and went over to the baby tomato and squished him then he said, ketchup

 

[gray]

Old:

What's brown and sticky?

A brown stick!






What's blue and looks like a bucket?

A blue bucket!





What's red and looks like a bucket?

A blue bucket in disguise!



What's orange and looks like an orange?









a mandarin!

 

[Dj Juve]

woow that doesnt belong in this thread gray

 

[gray]

There was once a Spanish fireman who had two sons. He named the first one Jose and the second son, he named Hose B.

 

[Layce Erayce]

lol. so cheesy you could pass it off as a product of kraft

 

[Desmond]

the tomatoes

 

[Martin]

WHERE'S MY SIGN BY ANDY ROONEY

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up.. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist.
I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... okay....no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid, ask them where their sign is.

 

[Martin]

ON OLDER WOMEN FROM ANDY ROONEY

Remember the expression "women like fine wine," among wine makers it is well known that a maturing wine is deep, mysterious, often full bodied with fruity undernotes--cheers!

If you're not an "older woman" yet, this will give you encouragement! If you are an older woman and you didn't love Andy Rooney before, this may change your mind!
Andy Rooney says:
"As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.

An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know. An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity."
Signed: Andy Rooney

 

[Martin]

ARE YOU A CANDIDATE FOR MENSA?

Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate.
OK, relax, clear your mind and....... begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions????? Dang..... If you said "glass", then go on to question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. ...... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, you dummy. Read the first line!!!

 

[Martin]

PERKS TO BEING OVER 60

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.