Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (6 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
> >---------------------------------------------
> >
> >A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with
a
> >fly swatter.
> >
> >"What are you doing?" She asked.
> >
> >"Hunting flies." He responded.
> >
> >"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
> >
> >"Yep, 3 males, 2 females." He replied.
> >
> >Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
> >
> >He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
>
> >---------------------------------------------
> >
> >A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with
a
> >fly swatter.
> >
> >"What are you doing?" She asked.
> >
> >"Hunting flies." He responded.
> >
> >"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
> >
> >"Yep, 3 males, 2 females." He replied.
> >
> >Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
> >
> >He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
>
Hollywood Lessons:
1- Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
2- All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
3- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
4- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
6- Rather than waste bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
7- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will eventually be thrown through it.
10- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises around the house in their most revealing underwear.
11- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
12- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
13- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
14- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
1- Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
2- All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
3- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
4- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
6- Rather than waste bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
7- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
8- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will eventually be thrown through it.
10- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises around the house in their most revealing underwear.
11- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
12- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
13- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
14- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Dirty Bird
A man owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is the quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets out of control. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "Quit it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "Now you're going to pay." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is beomes so irate that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first, the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I caused you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally, the parrot asks, "By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?"
A man owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is the quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets out of control. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "Quit it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "Now you're going to pay." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is beomes so irate that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first, the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I caused you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally, the parrot asks, "By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?"
The Italian & The Bank
An Italian man walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies, "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
An Italian man walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies, "Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Football Fan To The Rescue
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants fan saves friend from vicious animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets fan rescues friend from horrific attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little redneck maniac kills beloved family pet."
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants fan saves friend from vicious animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets fan rescues friend from horrific attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little redneck maniac kills beloved family pet."
A Wild Ride Home
After a night of drinking, Mr. O'Connell was driving home from the pub when he was pulled over. The officer came up to the car and asked for his license and registration, which he gladly handed over.
"Mr. O'Connell, have you been out to the pub tonight?" the officer asked.
"Ay officer I have, I won't be lying to ya. I have been out to the pub tonight indeed," Mr. O'Connell responded.
"And did you have a bit much to drink tonight?"
"Ay officer, I suppose I did have a bit much to drink, yes. Is this why you went and pulled me over?"
"Well no, actually," the officer said in wonder, "It's about your wife. After you took that last corner there, she fell right out of the car, she did."
"Oh, thank you for telling me officer, I thought that I was going deaf."
After a night of drinking, Mr. O'Connell was driving home from the pub when he was pulled over. The officer came up to the car and asked for his license and registration, which he gladly handed over.
"Mr. O'Connell, have you been out to the pub tonight?" the officer asked.
"Ay officer I have, I won't be lying to ya. I have been out to the pub tonight indeed," Mr. O'Connell responded.
"And did you have a bit much to drink tonight?"
"Ay officer, I suppose I did have a bit much to drink, yes. Is this why you went and pulled me over?"
"Well no, actually," the officer said in wonder, "It's about your wife. After you took that last corner there, she fell right out of the car, she did."
"Oh, thank you for telling me officer, I thought that I was going deaf."
Great Truths
Great Truths About Life Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
Great Truths About Life Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
4. Your mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5. If you can remain calm while everyone around you loses their head, maybe you just don't understand the problem.
Great Truths About Life Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
Great Truths About Life Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
4. Your mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5. If you can remain calm while everyone around you loses their head, maybe you just don't understand the problem.
Prostate Exam
Witty comments that can be used during prostate exams (that is, if you can actually be witty while someone's hand is up your rear):
1. "Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me now?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincteriffic!"
5. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
13. "Deflector shields: Down!"
Witty comments that can be used during prostate exams (that is, if you can actually be witty while someone's hand is up your rear):
1. "Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me now?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincteriffic!"
5. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
13. "Deflector shields: Down!"
Hunting For The First Time
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?', well, I just panicked!
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?', well, I just panicked!
Three thieves: Gray, GOAT and deej die and go to heaven. God says "I'll give you another chance and send you back to Earth, but as soon as you do one bad thing, you're coming straight back here."
So they're walking along... they pass a jewellery shop, and GOAT notices that nobody's inside. He opens one of the glass cases and reaches for a diamond ring. As soon as he touches it, *whoosh* he shoots straight up into the sky...
So gray and deej are left....
While they're walking along, they both see a wallet lying on the ground. Gray bends over to pick it up, and *whoosh* deej shoots straight up into the sky..
(don't ask if u don't get it)
:LOL:
So they're walking along... they pass a jewellery shop, and GOAT notices that nobody's inside. He opens one of the glass cases and reaches for a diamond ring. As soon as he touches it, *whoosh* he shoots straight up into the sky...
So gray and deej are left....
While they're walking along, they both see a wallet lying on the ground. Gray bends over to pick it up, and *whoosh* deej shoots straight up into the sky..
(don't ask if u don't get it)
:LOL: