Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (5 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
Someone did.
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
A vampire bat is in a cave with a friend and neither of them had eaten for a while so the first one flies to a local vilage to see if there were any humans to leech from. He returns five minutes later and his face is covered in the blood, so his friend says
"did you find something then, tell me what happened"
the first bat replies
"do you see the village"
"yeah"
"do you see the church tower?"
"yeah"
"i didnt"
"did you find something then, tell me what happened"
the first bat replies
"do you see the village"
"yeah"
"do you see the church tower?"
"yeah"
"i didnt"
Police ticket lines
===================
The following 15 Police comments were taken from actual Police car
videos around the country. Count down to #1...
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth cer-
tificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's
the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I
can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift su-
pervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and
step in monkey poo."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
The envelope please.....................
AND THE WINNER IS ...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right,
we don't. Sign here."
===================
The following 15 Police comments were taken from actual Police car
videos around the country. Count down to #1...
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth cer-
tificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's
the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I
can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift su-
pervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and
step in monkey poo."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
The envelope please.....................
AND THE WINNER IS ...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right,
we don't. Sign here."