Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (53 Viewers)

chester

chester

Too busy to bother
#3,941
May 20, 2006
15,055
#3,941
The dysfunctional section of a Hallmark store
=============================================
Card 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) -I've changed my mind.

Card 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) -I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Card 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) -That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Card 4. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) -Too bad no one likes your husband.

Card 5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) -Someone other than you.

Card 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) -Almost lifelike!

Card 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) -Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your
promise.

Card 8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) -What do you say we stop?

Card 9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) -It's almost like you're still here.

Card 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) -Did you ever find out who the father was?

Card 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) -I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Card 12. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas,
Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

Card 13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't
help but wonder...
(Inside card) -What was I thinking?
 

Buy on AliExpress.com
chester

chester

Too busy to bother
#3,942
May 20, 2006
15,055
#3,942
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in
the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife
with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beauti-
ful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in
just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 mil-
lion."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card ...
and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
Red

Red

-------
Moderator
#3,943
Nov 26, 2006
47,024
#3,943
Stolen from an Aberdeen message board:

Hooligans in the Noughties

It was my first cyber f/v memory was only a youngster, think my post count was 200-300. The row we had with Portsmouth's 6.57 GigaByte Crew. Very naughty, all the right faces were logged in. Sort of posters you knew you could post side by side with until the server crashed. Could have been a lot worse for the 6.57gb boys that evening but a few very game posters got turned away because of 3 year IP bans.

Anyway we plotted up on the Independent supporters association website, Pompey were no where to be seen, we had the free roam of the forum. We sent a couple of spotters into the away section but it was an Admin overkill, they had it well under control.

Later on in the afternoon a large amount of Portmouth posters slid through the firewall and called it on with our hardcore of posters in the General Talk forum. The tension was electric and the atmosphere evil was going to go any minute. No Admin in sight and only a thin line of Moderators keeping the two cyber firms apart.

Out of nowhere a well known Millwall poster; had been around for years and had mustered up a post count of over a 10,000 hit a Pompey face with the naughtiest post I've seen in years, it went off everywhere. Threads, posts and replies left, right and centre, absolute chaos. Millwall even had some Polls out for the occasion.

The 6.57gb boys were on the back foot, totally outwitted and when the Technical-28 boys turned up after an off with Brum on Rivals, Pompey logged out sharply. Admin slowly restored the peace but the damage was done.

Only time I've seen carnage like that was the West Ham game when we took it too their chat room. Some right Loons signed in that night, best mob of cyber 'wall Ive seen in years, smashed West Ham all over MSN Messenger.

The online f/v game is dead anyway, Admin are slapping posters with 3 year IP banning orders and ISPs are dishing out harder sentances. Not worth the hassle anymore, I remember the days of Windows 98 or MSDOS
 
chester

chester

Too busy to bother
#3,954
May 20, 2006
15,055
#3,954
Things it took me over 50 years to learn
========================================
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full poten-
tial, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
(I wish I had!)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

10.A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
fails.)

11.Your friends love you anyway.

12.Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.

13.Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine... They start out
as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of
them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner
with.
 
chester

chester

Too busy to bother
#3,956
May 20, 2006
15,055
#3,956
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the
seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a mo-
ment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any
dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY
dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns any-
where in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing,
pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they be-
gin chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin!, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
 
chester

chester

Too busy to bother
#3,959
May 20, 2006
15,055
#3,959
Math is beautifull
==================

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10 = 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
 
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