Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (44 Viewers)

[The Curr]

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival
every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?


QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.


QUIZMANIA

Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?



RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread .. ..
Contestant: Er . .. .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?


MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm .. .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?



SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.


FORTBOYARD(CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?


THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes
the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . .
er, three?


NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.


RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek
goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?


BLIND DATE (ITV)

Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?


DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


NATIONAL LOTTERY

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
Contestant: Basketball.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


NATIONAL LOTTERY

Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:

a)Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?

Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now
Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.


THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRM

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1

Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80
tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm .. .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

 

Buy on AliExpress.com

[Henry]

nice to see something posted about dumb brits rather than dumb americans

 

[chester]

Have you seen these signs?
==========================
1. In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


2. In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT


3. In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


4. In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR...... FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


5. In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


6. Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


7. Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


8. Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


9. Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


10. Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT
BULL CHARGES.


11. On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

Have you seen these signs?
==========================
1. In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


2. In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT


3. In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


4. In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR...... FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


5. In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


6. Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


7. Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


8. Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


9. Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


10. Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT
BULL CHARGES.


11. On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)

holy shit that's funny

 

[Henry]

last one's the best

 

[Zé Tahir]

The average penis is 6 inches long and the average vagina is 8 inches deep. So by my calculation there is 3 miles of unused pussy in New York City.

 

[Fred]

 

[Ahmed]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my goodness!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted

 

[Red]

Old joke.

Get with the times.

 

[Lawnchair Bes]

yeah, but i almost burst laughing in class. good one

 

[Zé Tahir]

That was hilarious

 

[Fred]

Indeed it was, good one Ahmed

 

[Osman]

Thats the mother load of innuendo's, all in one joke, haha.

 

[JCK]

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring
in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly
to slip the ring onto his penis while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring!

 

[JCK]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight got started.....


***********************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
Driver's' license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So
I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social
Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security Office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'

And that's how the fight got started......


************************************************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat
up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went
back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight got started.....


************************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight got started...

************************************************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'

The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight got started....

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight got started......

 

[Henry]

they would honestly be funnier if they didn't have "And that's how the fight got started.....) at the end

 

[mikhail]

It ties them all together. It's like something a stand up comedian would do.

 

[Azzurri7]

Choosing A Wife




A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several newoutfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.




The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.





Men are like that, you know.

 

[Stephan]

 

[Lion]