Classy bit over here (the official Inter.. i mean joke thread) (14 Viewers)
- Thread starter Martin
- Start date
HUSBANDS
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three
years to research,
implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
>
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Lawyer. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
screwed!"
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three
years to research,
implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
>
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Lawyer. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
screwed!"
This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for
girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK.
When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for
bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best whengoing to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the
possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's
wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the
while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself isencouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should
your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nighttime face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.
This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.
Times have changed, huh?
girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK.
When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for
bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best whengoing to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the
possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's
wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the
while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself isencouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should
your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your nighttime face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.
This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.
Times have changed, huh?
I found some excellent out-of-the-blue quote in the Milan forum on Xt that I just HAD TO copy!!
"Galiani to take Moggi on in a cage match"
"Maldini to end his career at Cagliari"
"Lippi to coach Grimsby Town"
"Juve blow 50 million on Les Ferdinand"
"Inter leave Nesta for Gary Breen"
"Ronaldo quits Inter for Everton"
"Dino Zoff gets a Beckham Mohecan style cut"
and the one that had me laughing for 3 minutes...
"Ancelotti to pursue career in stand-up comedy." :LOL::LOL::LOL:
"Galiani to take Moggi on in a cage match"
"Maldini to end his career at Cagliari"
"Lippi to coach Grimsby Town"
"Juve blow 50 million on Les Ferdinand"
"Inter leave Nesta for Gary Breen"
"Ronaldo quits Inter for Everton"
"Dino Zoff gets a Beckham Mohecan style cut"
and the one that had me laughing for 3 minutes...
"Ancelotti to pursue career in stand-up comedy." :LOL::LOL::LOL:
Blonde woman on a plane
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies: "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.
The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies: "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into her ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much", hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, are mystified. Together they ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies: "I just
told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies: "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem.
The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies: "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into her ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much", hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, are mystified. Together they ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies: "I just
told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."
>I, the *****, hereby request a raise in salary for
>the following reasons:
>
>I do physical labor.
>I work at great depths.
>I plunge head first into everything I do.
>I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
>I don't get paid overtime.
>I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>I work in high temperatures.
>My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>
>
>Dear *****,
>
>
>After assessing your request, and considering the
>arguments you have raised, the administration
>rejects your request for the following reasons:
>
>You do not work 8 hours straight.
>You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
>You do not always follow the orders of the
>management team.
>You do not stay in your designated area and are
>often seen visiting other locations.
>You do not take initiative - you need to be
>pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
>You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
>your shift.
>You don't always observe necessary safety
>regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
>You will retire well before you are 65.
>You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work before you
>have completed the assigned task.
>And if that were not all, you have been seen
>constantly entering and exiting the workplace
>carrying two suspicious looking bags.
>
>
>the following reasons:
>
>I do physical labor.
>I work at great depths.
>I plunge head first into everything I do.
>I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
>I don't get paid overtime.
>I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>I work in high temperatures.
>My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>
>
>Dear *****,
>
>
>After assessing your request, and considering the
>arguments you have raised, the administration
>rejects your request for the following reasons:
>
>You do not work 8 hours straight.
>You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
>You do not always follow the orders of the
>management team.
>You do not stay in your designated area and are
>often seen visiting other locations.
>You do not take initiative - you need to be
>pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
>You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
>your shift.
>You don't always observe necessary safety
>regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
>You will retire well before you are 65.
>You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work before you
>have completed the assigned task.
>And if that were not all, you have been seen
>constantly entering and exiting the workplace
>carrying two suspicious looking bags.
>
>
Just can't get it right
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
:LOL:
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
:LOL:
A Japanese tourist on holiday in Amsterdam decides to take the taxi to the airport for his flight back home.
On the road, the taxi gets passed by a Mitsubishi.
Excited, the Japanese tourists starts yelling to the taxi driver: "Mitsubishi! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is slightly annoyed by this but decides to ignore it.
Five minutes later, a Toyota drives by.
The Japanese tourist starts yelling again: "Toyota! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is starting to get angry but decides to ignore the man once again.
Ten minutes later, a Honda passes the taxi.
And again the Japanese tourist starts yelling at the taxi driver: Honda! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The now angry taxi driver stops at the airport after a 5 km ride and says to the Japanese tourist: "One-hundred Euro please!"
The Japanese tourist is absolutely stunned: "That is too much money!"
The annoyed taxi-driver answers with a smile: "Taxi-meter! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!
On the road, the taxi gets passed by a Mitsubishi.
Excited, the Japanese tourists starts yelling to the taxi driver: "Mitsubishi! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is slightly annoyed by this but decides to ignore it.
Five minutes later, a Toyota drives by.
The Japanese tourist starts yelling again: "Toyota! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is starting to get angry but decides to ignore the man once again.
Ten minutes later, a Honda passes the taxi.
And again the Japanese tourist starts yelling at the taxi driver: Honda! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The now angry taxi driver stops at the airport after a 5 km ride and says to the Japanese tourist: "One-hundred Euro please!"
The Japanese tourist is absolutely stunned: "That is too much money!"
The annoyed taxi-driver answers with a smile: "Taxi-meter! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!
A Japanese tourist on holiday in Amsterdam decides to take the taxi to the airport for his flight back home.
On the road, the taxi gets passed by a Mitsubishi.
Excited, the Japanese tourists starts yelling to the taxi driver: "Mitsubishi! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is slightly annoyed by this but decides to ignore it.
Five minutes later, a Toyota drives by.
The Japanese tourist starts yelling again: "Toyota! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is starting to get angry but decides to ignore the man once again.
Ten minutes later, a Honda passes the taxi.
And again the Japanese tourist starts yelling at the taxi driver: Honda! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The now angry taxi driver stops at the airport after a 5 km ride and says to the Japanese tourist: "One-hundred Euro please!"
The Japanese tourist is absolutely stunned: "That is too much money!"
The annoyed taxi-driver answers with a smile: "Taxi-meter! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
On the road, the taxi gets passed by a Mitsubishi.
Excited, the Japanese tourists starts yelling to the taxi driver: "Mitsubishi! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is slightly annoyed by this but decides to ignore it.
Five minutes later, a Toyota drives by.
The Japanese tourist starts yelling again: "Toyota! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The taxi driver is starting to get angry but decides to ignore the man once again.
Ten minutes later, a Honda passes the taxi.
And again the Japanese tourist starts yelling at the taxi driver: Honda! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The now angry taxi driver stops at the airport after a 5 km ride and says to the Japanese tourist: "One-hundred Euro please!"
The Japanese tourist is absolutely stunned: "That is too much money!"
The annoyed taxi-driver answers with a smile: "Taxi-meter! Made in Japan! Very fast! Very fast!"
The Popes visit to Scotland
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Celtic football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Rangers football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some sectarian people trying to divide Scotland, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fúck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
:LOL::LOL::LOL:
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Celtic football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark. At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Rangers football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some sectarian people trying to divide Scotland, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fúck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
:LOL::LOL::LOL:
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.